Notes on an in-between place
Lisa I feel so much gratitude for you, deepening with every letter you send. When it arrives I exhale, knowing that it's such a pure, honest, deeply generous insight into you. This week even more so. What you may question is boring is so deeply giving; the way you express about how you navigate your inner and outer world is a true breath. I feel that all encompassing pressure to "make the most of it", often doubting whether I am visiting, alive but not existing. And then I remind myself, as you have so graciously composed here, that each moment is part of it all. Each and every moment matters. Each and every moment is part of the visit, and questioning that only adds to the weight. What a light it is to appreciate the moments as you so notice here. Thank you so much, always. <3 x
I always feel so thankful for your words. I’ve felt that wish for spark so much... particularly earlier this year post partum with my second daughter. Sometimes I felt so damn sparkly like I’m going to light up the world... and other times the heaviness meant that all I could do was get through the day. I’ve given myself permission to be both and be ok with it, but it’s hard in a world that wants you to be sparkly the whole time. Grateful for your beautiful art, definitely far from boring. Xxx
I needed this. Today and right now, these are the most perfect and least boring words I could have possibly read. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
"The grief that runs a line between what I long for and what I currently have the capacity for is, at times, oceanic in its power. It has knocked me over in big ways, me on the metaphorical floor, waiting for the ebb to return." - It is depressing to be depressed all the time.
For years now, I have been going through this cycle when Saturdays come my nervous system is on fire; lately it has been manifesting as depression. I will be completely okay in the morning and then boom I am severely depressed. Yesterday, it was a beautiful 75 degree sunny day, but I couldn't enjoy the sunshine, I didn't want to move, I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. But maybe it is still progress compared to what it used to be... I used to become extremely suicidal every Saturday, but I still long for better, healthier. The grief is huge. I also struggle with pretty severe chronic dissociation, and I am so worried that I am living my life passively - I am there doing the things in the moment (or so it seems) but when I look back at it, it all feels so far away and as if it wasn't really me.
I am sorry you're still in your wave. It sounds like you at least have a surfboard to help you stay afloat and I hope being able to ride on the board (or the desire to ride the board) comes sooner rather than later. I don't want to just be visiting, I don't want to just be a carcass, but if that is what i have to do, have to be, until my spark comes, so be it.
We can do it. We can survive today for the chance to live tomorrow.
Lisa....the ocean, the waves, the ebb and flow....of depression, of existence, of life itself....it is our journey as beings to ride through what life is, what the waves are, at any given moment. How hard it is to be on the ebb when the flow is just beyond our reach. Know the tides will turn, they always turn, and the flow and the spark will be there waiting for us. 🤍🌊✨
Thank you for your shares around depression. I have been sitting with depression since my mother died last November. Her death seems to have opened some kind of portal into the trials and tribulations of my childhood to feel and process. And it has been difficult. Some days it feels like I am wading through waste deep muck and all I can muster is the most basic of self care. And others I find enough energy to go to the garden to look and listen and a tide of longing and desire rises up to meet me. That can be as overwhelming as the depression. That question - “what would this look like if it were easy?” - I want to pin that to my refrigerator or tattoo it on my forehead. How often I am fighting with myself, with what is, with what I need in the moment, with what I long for and am afraid to claim.
As a person also moving through the seasons of depression, thank you. These were the words I needed today.
Really resonating so much with this one! I too am slowly, making my way through depression. I didn’t realize until lately how much I still fight actually acknowledging it’s presence, because I’ve done so much healing already. Like shouldn’t I be past this by now?! The line that I connected with “ there is so much I still want that feels out of reach.” Yes. So much. Thank you for sharing your process, to have someone especially a professional acknowledge their own process with and through depression somehow makes it not so scary of a thing. I needed that. 🙏💚
Appreciate your touching, raw and honest sharing, and reminding us that there is beauty to be found even in the hardest moments of life ❤
This is so relatable. I so appreciate that you are not hiding while in this depression (as I so often do) giving words to an experience that too many of us share.
Thank you for opening this window into yourself, your life, when it is messy & scary & just so hard. I needed this today. My "emotional inertia," a phrase I heard today while binging TV, again, on the couch, is staggeringly huge these days. I know I am in a transitional period, I am excavating & slowing healing a LOT, but underneath this checked-out-ness, is my WANTING. I'm terrified that I'm not only waiting, but wasting valuable time, so that I'm already regretting time lost that hasn't even arrived yet. I struggle with depression & anxiety, PTSD, & a host of other -isms, & when I get those glimmers, that spark, it is such joy that when I can't access it, it hurts so much, & I still don't get up off my couch. We have to keep trying to give ourselves that grace & kindness. It all counts (in a good way) & I still look for small beauties in the days, even if I only go as far as the patio with my kitty. I appreciate your writing.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. As a creative who lives with recurring depression your words so often resonate.
So thankful for your words today, and every day. I just woke up, and with my coffee in hand, read these words that reflect back to me exactly what I am feeling. That is a true gift. Thank you for keeping me company while I sit beside the hard things.
Reading your words and words you've been reading has been very soothing. To accept imperfection, and allow oneself to do things the easy way instead of forcing them to be done a difficult way, very rejuvenating. I don't know if there's an easy way around depression, but as each season of sadness comes by, I think they can be experienced more easily with the knowledge that they'll pass more easily if one is kinder to oneself, and that I think is the beautiful wisdom you share with us here. Much love~
Your words are a beautiful balm, even when they don’t feel like it. It is so not easy to write when your body/mind is in survival mode.
I hope that writing it down helps you to fully inhabit this time and realise that you are living the most fully, even in the most difficult of times — feeling it all so deeply and not denying yourself that.
Sending love and strength for brighter days on the inside xx
Totally look forward to these notes each week. Thank you for sharing!