"The grief that runs a line between what I long for and what I currently have the capacity for is, at times, oceanic in its power. It has knocked me over in big ways, me on the metaphorical floor, waiting for the ebb to return." - It is depressing to be depressed all the time.
For years now, I have been going through this cycle when Satur…
"The grief that runs a line between what I long for and what I currently have the capacity for is, at times, oceanic in its power. It has knocked me over in big ways, me on the metaphorical floor, waiting for the ebb to return." - It is depressing to be depressed all the time.
For years now, I have been going through this cycle when Saturdays come my nervous system is on fire; lately it has been manifesting as depression. I will be completely okay in the morning and then boom I am severely depressed. Yesterday, it was a beautiful 75 degree sunny day, but I couldn't enjoy the sunshine, I didn't want to move, I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. But maybe it is still progress compared to what it used to be... I used to become extremely suicidal every Saturday, but I still long for better, healthier. The grief is huge. I also struggle with pretty severe chronic dissociation, and I am so worried that I am living my life passively - I am there doing the things in the moment (or so it seems) but when I look back at it, it all feels so far away and as if it wasn't really me.
I am sorry you're still in your wave. It sounds like you at least have a surfboard to help you stay afloat and I hope being able to ride on the board (or the desire to ride the board) comes sooner rather than later. I don't want to just be visiting, I don't want to just be a carcass, but if that is what i have to do, have to be, until my spark comes, so be it.
We can do it. We can survive today for the chance to live tomorrow.
"The grief that runs a line between what I long for and what I currently have the capacity for is, at times, oceanic in its power. It has knocked me over in big ways, me on the metaphorical floor, waiting for the ebb to return." - It is depressing to be depressed all the time.
For years now, I have been going through this cycle when Saturdays come my nervous system is on fire; lately it has been manifesting as depression. I will be completely okay in the morning and then boom I am severely depressed. Yesterday, it was a beautiful 75 degree sunny day, but I couldn't enjoy the sunshine, I didn't want to move, I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. But maybe it is still progress compared to what it used to be... I used to become extremely suicidal every Saturday, but I still long for better, healthier. The grief is huge. I also struggle with pretty severe chronic dissociation, and I am so worried that I am living my life passively - I am there doing the things in the moment (or so it seems) but when I look back at it, it all feels so far away and as if it wasn't really me.
I am sorry you're still in your wave. It sounds like you at least have a surfboard to help you stay afloat and I hope being able to ride on the board (or the desire to ride the board) comes sooner rather than later. I don't want to just be visiting, I don't want to just be a carcass, but if that is what i have to do, have to be, until my spark comes, so be it.
We can do it. We can survive today for the chance to live tomorrow.
Yes, we can 🤍