You won't please them all

Shapeshifting less and living honestly more

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A song I’ve been enjoying:

Sunset cholla, Joshua Tree 2017.

My first thought when I got an influx of new subscribers this week (hello, if that’s you! So glad you’re here despite what I’m about to write!) was, “I need to write something every week this many people are going to like? How?!” I felt a little panicky, a little queasy, a little uneasy — a common combination that arises when the thought I’m supposed to be for everyone starts taking center stage in my mind. These kinds of thoughts can get in the way of reality so quickly, often before we even notice their presence.

Luckily, I have some tools and practices under my belt, so those thoughts can be worked with instead of imprinted permanently. They can be recognized instead of believed. They can be tended to instead of used as a weapon against myself.

So, I slowed down — “let’s take a second to be with this thought.”
I located the uneasiness in my body — “my stomach, my throat.”
I explored the basis of my thinking — “I’m afraid I’ll let people down, which will make them leave.”
I validated that experience — “It makes sense to fear abandonment, aka your core wound. Duh. Of course. It makes sense for that fear to come up quickly.”
I did some reality checking — “What else could happen? What else could be true? What else might unfold? And, even if you did let people down, how might that actually be okay?”
I came back to myself — “It’s okay for fear to come up, and you can also remember what is true. You don’t need to be for everyone. That isn’t your job. Your job is to write what’s true and real and honest for you, and let others decide what they do with it. That’s all.”
I breathed — into my stomach, into my throat, into what’s true, into safety.
(please don’t think I’m able to do this with every single hard thought I ever have… it’s an ongoing imperfect practice.)

I’m so grateful I’m able to do this now, when past versions of me had no idea how to do anything but completely internalize my own fears as if they were true, thus holding me back from doing so much of what I wanted to do. I imagine many of us have, or do, struggle with this — at no fault of our own, but because our experiences often make it hard to return to ourselves, to what’s true, to what’s real after being hijacked by thoughts that tell us otherwise.

I spent most of my life trying to be for everyone. I’d shape-shift myself into an outgoing person who laughed at jokes I didn’t think were funny, and then into a person who enjoyed gossiping along with the group even though inside it felt awful, and then into a nice, innocent little girl who was helpless, but who was actually just hiding and staying small out of fear of what would happen if I took up space.

Shape-shifting still feels so appealing sometimes. I still find myself anticipating what other people want from me, thinking about what I can do to match other people’s energy, diminishing or expanding what’s true for me based on how I think people will react or respond. It takes so much presence and so much tenderness to recognize when this shape-shifting is happening and to slowly return to my own form — to slowly come back to my true self and my own body, my own sensations, my own beliefs and wants and feelings.

I used to think the goal was for this to never happen again — for showing up in my body, as my full self, to suddenly and somehow become natural and easy. And I’ve slowly realized this isn’t the goal, nor is it realistic. A much more compassionate and human approach has been to simply practice noticing when shape-shifting is happening, to tend to it with care, and to then practice returning to myself. Over and over. With this comes heaps of forgiveness when I forget, or when it feels too scary or too hard, or when I just don’t know how to feel safe showing up with everything I’m really bringing in any given moment.

Noticing feels so much more doable than fixing.
Tending to feels so much more kind than forcing.
Practicing feels so much more possible than changing.

And, funny enough, these things tend to lead to actual change over time. It might not be quick and fast like we’re taught it should be in this capitalistic culture. It might not be outwardly obvious at all times, or in 100% of situations. But it feels more embodied, more human, more real, and that is everything.

The truth is that no amount of shape-shifting will keep us safe from rejection, from being disliked, from being judged and criticized, from not being everyone’s cup of tea. No amount of molding ourselves into what we think others want us to be will keep us from not actually being that for everyone. No amount of efforting, of forcing, of dedication to performance, of acting skills, or of desire will keep us from experiencing the pain of sometimes letting people down, sometimes getting it wrong, sometimes disappointing others, and sometimes flat out becoming a bad character in someone else’s story.

The good news: we were never supposed to be for everyone. We were never supposed to figure out how to please every single one of the billions of other humans on earth. We were never supposed to base our entire life and identity around what other people expect or want from us. We were never supposed to ignore our own truth for the benefit of someone else’s ease or satisfaction. We were never supposed to mold and shape and shift ourselves over and over again in order to fit the shallow idea others might have of us. None of this was ever our job description. I promise.

Our art won’t be for everyone.
Our ideas won’t mesh with everyone else’s.
Our personality won’t fit with everyone else’s.
Our gifts won’t be what everyone wants or needs.
Our beliefs won’t please everyone.
Our parenting, teaching, working, and playing won’t satisfy everyone’s itch.
Our choices won’t fit everyone else’s image of us.
Our perceptions and opinions won’t make everyone comfortable.
Our Selves won’t be liked by everyone.

And…

It’s okay to not be for everyone.
It’s okay that your art and creation and expression doesn’t please everyone.
It’s okay to say what’s honest instead of what’s expected.
Its okay to practice being yourself instead of molding yourself.
It’s okay to slowly release everyone else’s expectations.
It’s okay if people decide to leave on their own accord.
It’s okay if people change their mind about you.
It’s okay to do what feels right for you instead of what you think they want.
It’s okay to grieve what’s lost from being yourself.
It’s okay to celebrate what’s gained from being yourself.

We get to simply show up and do what feels right and good and true for us.
We get to share our art and gifts and expression with those who want them.
We get to bask in the goodness of fitting right in with the right people for us.
We get to celebrate the beauty of our work finding those who need it.
We get to trust in the gold that comes with finally showing up honestly.
We get to spend a lifetime practicing the art of being ourselves.

If it’s hard, you aren’t alone. If you forget sometimes, you aren’t alone. If you find yourself desperate to make sure everyone likes what you have to offer, you aren’t alone. If you feel a deep urge to figure out what that one person wants from you so you can offer it abundantly, even when it eats you up inside, you’re not alone. If you find it scary to think about being yourself, you aren’t alone. If the world doesn’t make it safe for you to express your true self outwardly, you’re not alone. If you spend a lot of time wondering what will happen if you just say the thing, just do the thing, just be the thing, you aren’t alone.

It isn’t always easy, and it won’t always be perfect, and yet it is still such a worthy practice to find space within ourselves and our lives to be what is true, to be what is real, to be what is actually us, our wholeness and messiness and all of it. I’m practicing alongside you. And I thank you for being here, practicing with me.

△ Jack Kornfield on letting go

△ No longer running from my emotions

△ This raspberry puff from my favorite neighborhood bakery

△ I'm loving this album from Lizzy McAlpine

△ This incredible talk with writer and teacher Ocean Vuong:

△ This interview with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

△ I loved and appreciated this honest conversation about money so much:

△ We need to talk more about rejection

△ San Francisco decriminalizes psychedelics

△ As always, this Cup of Jo comment section on splurging is so good.

△ Human Stuff was featured on Substack’s suggested publications page this week and it made me feel proud, grateful, and excited for all I’ve given and gleaned from this space over the last six months. I had no idea where this newsletter would go or what the response would be (I still don’t, really) — and it has been truly wonderful. I feel at home sharing my writing in this way, having a devoted practice to showing up for my writing each week, and exploring different ways of expressing what resides within me. I put my heart into this work and I can only hope it continues to move me, which may or may not ripple outward but feels so worthwhile and meaningful regardless. Thank you so, so much for being here and being part of this space. It means the world.

With care,
Lisa