What is a right-sized life?

Uprooting the "shoulds" to find ourselves in a life we actually want.

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A song you might like to listen to while reading:

Polaroid taken in 2006.

“I should want this, but I don’t want this.”

I wrote this in my journal a few years ago as my Instagram account started rapidly growing at a pace I both didn’t expect and wasn’t ready for. I was creating highly sharable and consumable pieces of “content” — graphics, listicles, snappy quotes. I was doing all the things I thought I should be doing, and it was working — my work started getting shared widely and my account expanded incredibly fast. I was quickly put into the role of “Instagram Therapist” and seen as one of the ‘pioneers’ in bringing the work to that sphere. Part of me was excited to have my work seen and shared by more people; it led to meaningful connections, a book deal, space to create in new ways, and more opportunities. Part of me felt like the bigger numbers somehow made me more relevant or worthy (I cringe even writing this). The truth, though, is that once I felt it was enough and it still kept growing, I sort of… hated it. Underneath it all, what I wanted most was space to express fully… not space to share information as a therapist. I felt boxed in by my own doing.

I knew it only felt good on a surface level because it’s what we’ve been conditioned to believe: that more is better. That prestige is power. That being put on a pedestal is something to feel good about. There was a part of me that thought I needed to keep growing — that I should continue striving for more followers, a bigger audience, and a wider net cast. I thought more would appear more valuable — that bigger would appear better — that an endless increase would appear more legitimate (because this is what we’ve been taught to believe). And who knows, maybe it does to some people. But it all felt so incongruent to what actually felt good for me… yet we often do things we don’t truly want because we think we’re supposed to want it. It is an easy cycle to get stuck in.

On top of this, there was also guilt for not being grateful for the big platform when so many people wanted it more than I did — for not wanting what so many people wish they had. I was grateful for the humans who were engaging with my work, but not for the pedestal it placed me upon and the expectations it thwarted my way. I was grateful for the opportunity to write and share more, but not for the pressure to keep producing, keep churning out content that would be forgotten about 10 seconds later, keep going & going & going. I was grateful to have my words be seen, but not for feeling more and more distant from the parts of me I really wanted to be sharing from.

There’s so much allure of bigger, better, more, higher, stronger, faster… I could go on. There’s this unspoken (or spoken, in some cases) idea that we’re supposed to want more more more, all the time — and then we wonder why we never feel like we have/do/produce/are enough. It’s no fault of our own that we get sucked into the delusion.

“I should want this, but I don’t want this.” How many of us are making decisions based on shoulds? On external appearance? On what things look like to other people? On what we see other people doing or wanting? On trying to keep up with those we assume are better than or more worthy than us? On what we’ve been taught is worth striving for? On what we think we’re supposed to want? On what we’ve come to base our worthiness and enoughness around? On what society has deemed important or successful? On comparison? How many of us are living out of alignment with what we truly want because to claim that would mean to lay down all the ways we’ve been prioritizing how we appear versus how we actually are — how we’re seen versus how we see ourselves — how it looks versus how it feels?

One of the biggest lessons I’ve more deeply embodied during the pandemic is the notion of a right-sized life. Slowing down, having more forced space to turn inward, and noticing all the ways my energy was being expended outward allowed me to recognize something important: I don’t actually want a bigger following, a bigger amount of work, a bigger responsibility, a bigger life. I don’t want more more more. I want a fullness with the right-sized amount for me, which I’ve learned is much less than it is for many. And I’ve learned how okay this is. And I still have to remind myself of such.

If the kind of success we’re told to strive for requires me to mold myself into what countless people expect me to be while bypassing my humanity, I don’t want it.
If having a huge social media following requires me to maintain some kind of facade or show up more on a screen than I do in my actual life, I don’t want it.
If being “popular” on Instagram requires me to regurgitate blanket statements that have been shared countless times, or simplify what isn’t simple, or post every single day instead of listening to what feels good, I don’t want it.
If constant growth pulls me away from the enoughness right in front of me, I don’t want it.
If a big life requires me to deny what feels aligned, what feels important and what matters to me, I don’t want it.

I’m in the process of living into what right-sized looks and feels like for me — exploring what enough really means to me — navigating the letting go of trying to be what over 400,000 people want me to be in order to show up fully — trusting that I can show up and share in ways that actually fill my cup while pouring into that of others, and remembering how okay it is when people choose to leave.
I’m sharing what feels aligned to share instead of what I’m expected or wanted to.
I’m working on believing it’s possible to be an author and write more books, without needing to maintain continuous growth and exhausting presence on social media.
I’m exploring what it looks like to trust in enough — to trust in less — to trust in what contentment and satisfaction feel and taste like in my own life, rather than what they appear to be in a social media feed.
I’m working on modeling a different way of being in the world as a creative, a multifaceted human, a guide, a mother — a way of being that integrates all parts of who I am, rather than forces me to shove each into tiny boxes that are never big enough to hold the whole of me.
I’m working on creating the kind of life I’d want my daughter to have — the kind that never requires her to give more of herself than feels good, that never asks her to pretend to want something she doesn’t truly desire, that never makes her believe wanting less makes her less.

And… I’m working on forgiving myself when I forget all of this. When I prove my humanity once again. When I give into the pressure, the expectations, the fear of not living up to what others want me to be. I am working on letting myself realign with my own right-sized life, over and over.

All of this is part of why I started this Substack account. I have so much more to say and share than can be held by the smallness of Instagram. I am so much more than the “Instagram Therapist” I continue getting pinned as. I have so much more to offer than tips and lists and the things Instagram caters to. And I want to express myself so much more fully, as scary as it is sometimes. I feel it in baby steps — and it might take some time to fully step into this writer space without feeling the limitations in my body. Yet I also feel the freedom emerging and it is igniting something in me. It’s reminding me of what I love and I believe we are all deeply deserving of carving out whatever space we can to nurture that call within us. This feels more right-sized for me.

As you think about and explore what right-sized feels like for you, you may want to muse on these questions (that I’ve been musing on lately, too):
- If enough had nothing to do with what was expected of me, what would it look like?
- If I didn’t have anything to prove, what would I do with my time, my energy, my life?
- If no one else’s idea of success lived within me, what would my definition of it be?
- If small was enough and big was simply a preference, what would the right-sized life look like for you?

While this week’s reflection is more personal, I hope it stands as a mirror and a hand reached out to let you know how okay it is to let yourself also look closely at where things are feeling aligned, or not, in your world. Let this serve as an invitation to join me in examining the beliefs you hold about the bigness or smallness of your life, and whether the space you’re in or moving toward actually feels good for you. To explore if what you’re doing is truly what you want to be doing, or how you want to be doing it. To get really (painfully) honest with yourself about what’s working and what isn’t. To be willing to give up what needs giving up in order to honor your own truth. To take a deep dive into your time, energy, and what needs tweaking or shifting. To let it all be a little messy, a little wobbly, a little unsure but still so incredibly worth the task.

This essay isn’t perfectly formed and doesn’t have a grand conclusion, nor is it as cohesive as it probably could be. But god, it felt good to just write it — to let it be what it is, to not go back and edit it until it’s closer to seamless, to let what we share be incomplete sometimes, to lean into the process of creating more than we lean into the outcome it brings us to. I hope you allow the same as you explore this theme in yourself, as you navigate what bigness or smallness mean to you, and as you find the right size for your own life. It’s a gift to yourself to do so — I will be continuing alongside you.

△ “What I’ve learned is that living is a series of shedding every new story that I have for myself.” This interview with ALOK is truly stunning in so many ways.

△ This essay about the power of butter is so good.

△ The talk below felt like a balm for my spirit.

△ How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

△ Awe in nature: the science behind starling murmurations

△ This beautiful podcast episode with Katherine May on one of my favorite podcasts of late, Pulling The Thread

△ Below is one of my favorite newsletters on Substack. I’ve gotten so much out of it and love the studio visits for paid subscribers.

△ When are you really an adult?

△ My cat and daughter slowly becoming friends *cue tears*

June (cat) and Josephine (baby)

△ March 25-31 is Trans Week of Visibility and this site has lots of ways to support.

△ My favorite comfort drink I have almost every night:
1 cup nut milk (I like oat)
1 tablespoon raw cacao
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon maple syrup
pinch of salt
Heat over the stove and serve with whipped cream to make it extra special.

△ Collecting is an act of devotion, and creation

A portion of this month’s paid subscriber proceeds is going to Fiesta Youth. Thank you so much for your support.

With care,
Lisa