Oh how this one really hit home in special ways. I just got back from Cali ( specifically the SF bay Napa my hometown). It was my first thanksgiving with my family in 7 years. I resonate with all the love and savoring of the moments together and the fact that my son got to experience the beauty and magic of the holidays with my side of the family. I got to enjoy the beauty of my home state and really take it in. I was surprised as I was met with grief too. Grieving how parts of me only make sense when I connect with my roots instead of rejecting them. I didn’t realize how rejecting where I am from was rejecting important parts of me. It was so healing to allow it. I left with a new appreciation of my home.
“And I’m thinking about how easy it is to romanticize another kind of life — the kind where I’m not the person I am and I don’t have the responsibilities I have and I don’t hold the limitations I hold and I don’t carry the wounds or history or experience I carry. It is so easy to think another kind of life would save us from the hard parts of the life we have, as if hard parts aren’t inevitable in any kind of life.” Really treasuring this nugget right here. Thank you so much for your sharing.
Thank you for these absolutely gorgeous words! I so often think about how I can allow my style to be a way of expressing myself, and how it can reflect how I feel on the inside. I also think about how sometimes allowing yourself to sit in the dark and the fog is necessary to invite the clarity in. I really resonated with what you said about how spring feels more like the beginning of a new year, because that is exactly how I feel too - spring brings more renewal, clarity, light and comfort because as nature comes back to life after a dormant period, I come back to life too. And what you wrote about listening to what we’re called to do and following our heart even though it’s so hard sometimes is something that I return to so often - sometimes it feels hard, but in the end, it’s often so rewarding to follow your own heart.
Thank you again for these thoughts and reflections. Sending you so much love🫶🏻✨
“And I’m thinking about the balm of forgiveness — not as a way of bypassing boundaries, okay-ing something that isn’t okay, or continuing relationships/patterns/habits that are deteriorating our aliveness, but as a way of returning to presence, returning to our bodies, returning to our values, returning to our aliveness, and setting down what is too heavy to carry forward.” - This passage jumped out at me as I’m dealing with some feelings that I’m trying to figure out. Needed to read this today!
Love your take on this Lisa! I wrote and published a similar piece last week titled November Notes expressing what I’ve been thinking about and what’s been on my mind. It is such a good way to release and let things out🤍
This is yet another essay of yours I will be sharing, especially with my students in the last weeks of the semester when we focus on social change and building more imagination around what it can look like. Thank you, as always, for your writing.
Wow - just wow. I am so grateful I got to start my day reading this newsletter. I wrote a long comment but it disappeared so will try again with fewer words :) There were two passages in particular that I had to re-read and which really resonnated with me: "(...)how I am not an expert when it comes to what I have to say or share… and how little any of that matters when the practice of writing connects me more deeply to myself and others in ways I once only dreamed of, in ways that make me feel incredibly alive." and "And I’m thinking about why we think we can take on the weight of the entire world when we won’t even let ourselves learn how to be with the weight of our own hearts.". Thank you for making me think about these things in a fresh new way.
Thank you so much for sharing what's been on your mind... the beauty and the grief.
I have had a particularly existential thinking kind of day as I have entered the usual space of suicidal ideation that seems to come every weekend. There is always A LOT on my mind, sometimes I wish my mind would just be quiet, especially when it is filled with such darkness. Hopelessness, creeps into my mind as I have been going through this cycle for years. But I know there is hope, tomorrow is a new day, a new week. Tomorrow might bring a clearer mind, happier thoughts. Everything has felt extra heavy lately as I have had a really bad wave of flashbacks for 2 weeks straight and I live in Moscow, ID where the four students were murdered; just a very heavy time. But I was able to get away with friends over the holiday and it helped things feel lighter even though the images of my abuse decided to still trudge through, taking me away from being able to stay fully present. That is one of the tortures of cPTSD, is living in two realities. The reality of present time can be peaceful and great, but the part of the brain that is still living in its trauma, in the abuse is screaming out in pain. And no matter how loud you make the present moment and no matter how quiet the other reality gets... it is still there, you can still feel it, and it tarnishes everything. I haven't figured out how to resolve the trauma or make peace with it yet. But I look forward to the day when my brain is quiet, when my brain isn't split between two realities, when I don't feel dissociated or derealized, when I can focus on what people are saying and actually engage in conversations, when I don't want to end my life anymore because I'd rather die than keep going through the cycles, when I can feel connection to people because I don't numb everything out. I think that is possible, I hope that is possible. The only way to find out is to keep taking one moment at a time; "I survive today, for a chance to live tomorrow." (idk who said this, my therapist said this to me once, and idk if these are her original words, or if she was quoting someone. But these words have gotten me through some tough times).
I am so thankful for your words, Lisa. They mean so much.
Oh how this one really hit home in special ways. I just got back from Cali ( specifically the SF bay Napa my hometown). It was my first thanksgiving with my family in 7 years. I resonate with all the love and savoring of the moments together and the fact that my son got to experience the beauty and magic of the holidays with my side of the family. I got to enjoy the beauty of my home state and really take it in. I was surprised as I was met with grief too. Grieving how parts of me only make sense when I connect with my roots instead of rejecting them. I didn’t realize how rejecting where I am from was rejecting important parts of me. It was so healing to allow it. I left with a new appreciation of my home.
“And I’m thinking about how easy it is to romanticize another kind of life — the kind where I’m not the person I am and I don’t have the responsibilities I have and I don’t hold the limitations I hold and I don’t carry the wounds or history or experience I carry. It is so easy to think another kind of life would save us from the hard parts of the life we have, as if hard parts aren’t inevitable in any kind of life.” Really treasuring this nugget right here. Thank you so much for your sharing.
Oh man, I love this prompt of "And I'm thinking about.."
I feel like I should do a whole December blog post series starting with this prompt each day.
And how your words have a way of wrapping around my heart and wishing I could get them to soak into the hearts of others close to me.
Your words hold weight because they are real and human and for this I thank you.
Thank you for these absolutely gorgeous words! I so often think about how I can allow my style to be a way of expressing myself, and how it can reflect how I feel on the inside. I also think about how sometimes allowing yourself to sit in the dark and the fog is necessary to invite the clarity in. I really resonated with what you said about how spring feels more like the beginning of a new year, because that is exactly how I feel too - spring brings more renewal, clarity, light and comfort because as nature comes back to life after a dormant period, I come back to life too. And what you wrote about listening to what we’re called to do and following our heart even though it’s so hard sometimes is something that I return to so often - sometimes it feels hard, but in the end, it’s often so rewarding to follow your own heart.
Thank you again for these thoughts and reflections. Sending you so much love🫶🏻✨
“And I’m thinking about the balm of forgiveness — not as a way of bypassing boundaries, okay-ing something that isn’t okay, or continuing relationships/patterns/habits that are deteriorating our aliveness, but as a way of returning to presence, returning to our bodies, returning to our values, returning to our aliveness, and setting down what is too heavy to carry forward.” - This passage jumped out at me as I’m dealing with some feelings that I’m trying to figure out. Needed to read this today!
Love your take on this Lisa! I wrote and published a similar piece last week titled November Notes expressing what I’ve been thinking about and what’s been on my mind. It is such a good way to release and let things out🤍
Precious words that brought me to tears. Thank you!
This is yet another essay of yours I will be sharing, especially with my students in the last weeks of the semester when we focus on social change and building more imagination around what it can look like. Thank you, as always, for your writing.
Wow - just wow. I am so grateful I got to start my day reading this newsletter. I wrote a long comment but it disappeared so will try again with fewer words :) There were two passages in particular that I had to re-read and which really resonnated with me: "(...)how I am not an expert when it comes to what I have to say or share… and how little any of that matters when the practice of writing connects me more deeply to myself and others in ways I once only dreamed of, in ways that make me feel incredibly alive." and "And I’m thinking about why we think we can take on the weight of the entire world when we won’t even let ourselves learn how to be with the weight of our own hearts.". Thank you for making me think about these things in a fresh new way.
Thank you so much for sharing what's been on your mind... the beauty and the grief.
I have had a particularly existential thinking kind of day as I have entered the usual space of suicidal ideation that seems to come every weekend. There is always A LOT on my mind, sometimes I wish my mind would just be quiet, especially when it is filled with such darkness. Hopelessness, creeps into my mind as I have been going through this cycle for years. But I know there is hope, tomorrow is a new day, a new week. Tomorrow might bring a clearer mind, happier thoughts. Everything has felt extra heavy lately as I have had a really bad wave of flashbacks for 2 weeks straight and I live in Moscow, ID where the four students were murdered; just a very heavy time. But I was able to get away with friends over the holiday and it helped things feel lighter even though the images of my abuse decided to still trudge through, taking me away from being able to stay fully present. That is one of the tortures of cPTSD, is living in two realities. The reality of present time can be peaceful and great, but the part of the brain that is still living in its trauma, in the abuse is screaming out in pain. And no matter how loud you make the present moment and no matter how quiet the other reality gets... it is still there, you can still feel it, and it tarnishes everything. I haven't figured out how to resolve the trauma or make peace with it yet. But I look forward to the day when my brain is quiet, when my brain isn't split between two realities, when I don't feel dissociated or derealized, when I can focus on what people are saying and actually engage in conversations, when I don't want to end my life anymore because I'd rather die than keep going through the cycles, when I can feel connection to people because I don't numb everything out. I think that is possible, I hope that is possible. The only way to find out is to keep taking one moment at a time; "I survive today, for a chance to live tomorrow." (idk who said this, my therapist said this to me once, and idk if these are her original words, or if she was quoting someone. But these words have gotten me through some tough times).
I am so thankful for your words, Lisa. They mean so much.