I identify with this in multiple ways. I’m facing a choice that is unlike one I’ve ever made in my 57 years. The choice to leave a relationship I’ve been in for almost 30 years. The grief I float in and out of is uncomfortable. The not knowing my way forward is scary. The staying is also uncomfortable.
I keep receiving this message. I don’t have to always know what the outcome looks like. I just have to keep moving towards it.
It’s excruciating for a girl who loves the comfort of knowing.
My daughter pushed me to take on an alternative fuel vehicle conversion (electric) with her, and that made all the difference. I was really uncomfortable, partly because I "knew too much" :-) and kept overthinking it. Not to say thinking is bad, but in that case, her fresh excitement was free to move whereas mine was not.
This isn't supposed to be a suggestion for you at all... just to say that I have some inkling of understanding. Also, I've been in a 40+ year relationship and finally feel like it's where I want to finish up in this life. Didn't always know that.
I adore this, Lisa. And so relate. I think it's easy for us to be pigeonholed by our outward personalities and titles, and it's much harder to embrace our inner knowing and just be without all those labels. I'm definitely on a similar path of looking more inward and doing what feels right vs what I think looks good to the outside. I feel so much more fulfilled that way. When you said, "There is an embracing of the path less known, knowing it is serving me now and perhaps that’s enough." that completely spoke to me and you worded it perfectly. I hope I can also have courage enough to continue pursuing the path less known, too. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading, and for this reflection -- doing what's right versus what looks good on the outside is such a human practice for all of us, I think. <3
Lisa, thank you so much for sharing. We so often see the "before and after" moments where there appears to be some level of identifiable outcome in the "after" (especially in our social media world... the algorithm loves a clear-cut, inspirational story, doesn't it?). I always wish there was more said on the in-between space and the process. Yet, I also recognize how this in-between space is the most difficult part to share, and it takes a tremendous amount of self-trust to share about the not-knowing.
Yet, is there really truly ever a clear destination? As much as I always want clarity, I recognize that the journey truly never ends. There may be moments that look very clear, only for the path to appear murky again when the next segment of the journey begins.
We see so many before and after moments, don't we? So much so that I think we can feel rushed to make it through our transitional seasons quicker than we're meant to. The lingering here feels important. And you're so right... it is a continuous cycle of known and unknown. Thank you for sharing.
Yes - those in-between moments, like you said. I'm thinking of all the things we enjoy - they pull us into the very moment. Leaves crushing underfoot, the fall of a snowflake on our face, the buzz of a mosquito, the dive into cold water. All gifts from the in-between :-)
My great friend, a physicist and writer just recommended the Rick Rubin book to me! She says: As a writer/creator, I often struggle to understand how to fit/not to fit in, and how to deal with borrowed expectations about my output. His thoughts on creation are both crushingly obvious, but also very nuanced. He both brings up the expectations to a cosmological level and at the same time strips out all pre assumptions. It’s hard to describe… I know he can also rub people the wrong way in his bro-turned-zen energy
He fascinates and inspires me in many ways! His book isn't necessarily revolutionary or new, but the way it is shared feels nurturing, expansive, insightful, and like a big creative nudge.
"I was grateful to be reaching so many people in a supportive, helpful way, but my soul was dying. I was honored to have the privilege of a large platform, but my humanity was crumbling."
I would just like to say that you are a brave person, Lisa, and my soul sees yours. What even is success if it is not authentic? You see it play out all the time- the burnout and illness of the most outwardly successful people, and yet you still cannot help but get sucked in because of societal conditioning. I have to practice telling myself over and over that true success for me is the feeling that I have not had to betray myself and also being a well-rounded person who values time and people over things and money. I made the personal decision not to use Instagram because I do not believe in it, particularly what it does to the mental health of teenage girls (I wouldn't have stood a chance if it was around when I was that age!) but I have missed out on things because of this decision. I also know that plenty of people rely on it for their business or feeling connected, and I am not judging them for that. It is a messed up world we live in when you have to choose between surviving or maintaining mental health and integrity. We are the lucky ones who have other options. I hope society will make progress on this. I am grateful you are able to share what feels right and more true for you because it still does help so many people on a very human level (I think I just understood the title of your newsletters Human Stuff on a different level as well ☺️). Thank you.
“It is a messed up world we live in when you have to choose between surviving or maintaining mental health and integrity.”
Yes, that sums things up perfectly! My husband and I are struggling to survive financially because we chose to maintain our mental health and integrity. He has had two absolutely horrible retail sales jobs that he endured as long as he could (less than a year in both cases) but quit when he couldn’t ethically do what was expected of him (lie to customers, upsell things they didn’t need or were overpriced, etc) and has now been unemployed for almost a year.
Ugh. I'm so sorry for the struggle that you and your husband are enduring, Wendi. It shouldn't be that way. We shouldn't have to give up our ethics to succeed financially. It is easy to say hold on to your morals no matter the cost, but not so easy to enact when our very survival is at stake. Oh how far we have strayed from the balance that our humanity needs and that our souls crave. I am thinking of you and dreaming of a more beautiful world. 🙏
We so often feel stuck and trapped by our own choices, as if we aren’t the ones making them. Or maybe I should only speak for myself — I so often feel stuck and trapped by my own choices, as if I’m not the one making them.
Oh how this resonates. I don't think I felt this so intensely as after one of my suicide attempts, the one that was followed by being hospitalized for a few days. I felt so detached from reality that I thought I'd landed myself in hell, literally, not metaphorically. After a more impulsive attempt, I really did feel so so trapped in my choices and it became quite paralyzing to make a choice about anything, because I was afraid that any choice I made would have a domino effect to another attempt. After trying to kill myself, I became bitter with the concept of choice. Choice is so incredibly nuanced. Choosing to stay does feel like a trap; choosing to kill myself... may set me free but it is rooted in feeling trapped and I know that is an illusion and I know deep down that life might not always feel like a trap.
The following line you wrote, "The truth is that I didn't trust myself." And that is exactly it... choices feel incredibly dangerous when we don't trust ourselves, when we don't know ourselves. Maybe, choices can feel like a trap because we forget we can choose differently even after we've made the initial choice; we can change our minds... but changing my mind somehow feels like I am doing something wrong, like I am failing somehow. Weird. We put such harsh standards and expectations on ourselves.
As always, thanks for sharing your internal experience.
This resonates deeply, thank you. It has touched the part of me that knows that as I grow and learn and am changed by life, so do my longings/how I wish to spend my precious time and energy. And sometimes it makes little 'logical' sense (my ego does not enjoy that!). Thank you for following your own longings and allowing us to see you on that journey. It gives others permission to do the same in their own ways :)
Thank you so much for sharing Lisa. I feel my heart soften and my body wants to collapse within... just to rest here for a little bit.
I had also made a very difficult right choice in the past to leave a job in community child protection that I was deeply passionate about for the sake of my body’s health. There was grief definitely. 2 years later now we have our 3 mth old son.
Thanks for inspiring me to share the in between moments in my postpartum journey as well.
I love you and I adore you. Thank you for reminding me to be more me, simply by your presence through your words.
I am so glad that you answered the call. That you are here now. Here now as Lisa first and foremost. Thank goodness. What a gift to us all who get to know you, see you, feel you in this way!
In addition to today’s letter being such a comfort, all of these comments of people resonating with it are also bringing comfort! I, too, am at a professional (and personal, given my profession in many ways *is* my personhood) crossroads, also in a profession that has brought with it a lot of public visibility (from which I tried to hide for *years*) + have been doing the same thing for 22 years, so facing the grief that’s arising is... intense. I’m realizing it’s okay to deal with it in morsels, not to try to Bruce Bogtrotter this grief cake. Thank you again for the humanness. ❤️
This speaks to me so much in this given moment as I am embarking on my own version of the unknown path. The truth is I've been so ready to go on this journey for so long but it is only recently that something has shifted deep within me that's given me the nudge to leap when I'm not quite sure where I'm leaping to. Thank you for being that beautiful mirror that I am not alone in this, that there are others walking their own version of this journey of treading an untrodden path.
I'm struck with the number of comments about the unknown path. I love it! Shivers up my spine stuff - taking steps into the unknown. I think Lisa must feel so supported by this talk. :-)
I identify with this in multiple ways. I’m facing a choice that is unlike one I’ve ever made in my 57 years. The choice to leave a relationship I’ve been in for almost 30 years. The grief I float in and out of is uncomfortable. The not knowing my way forward is scary. The staying is also uncomfortable.
I keep receiving this message. I don’t have to always know what the outcome looks like. I just have to keep moving towards it.
It’s excruciating for a girl who loves the comfort of knowing.
"a girl who loves the comfort of knowing"... goodness, this. Thank you for sharing this reflection -- and a deep resonance with your words here.
Yeah, I love the comfort of knowing, also.
My daughter pushed me to take on an alternative fuel vehicle conversion (electric) with her, and that made all the difference. I was really uncomfortable, partly because I "knew too much" :-) and kept overthinking it. Not to say thinking is bad, but in that case, her fresh excitement was free to move whereas mine was not.
This isn't supposed to be a suggestion for you at all... just to say that I have some inkling of understanding. Also, I've been in a 40+ year relationship and finally feel like it's where I want to finish up in this life. Didn't always know that.
Sigh... Best wishes on your decision. :-)
I adore this, Lisa. And so relate. I think it's easy for us to be pigeonholed by our outward personalities and titles, and it's much harder to embrace our inner knowing and just be without all those labels. I'm definitely on a similar path of looking more inward and doing what feels right vs what I think looks good to the outside. I feel so much more fulfilled that way. When you said, "There is an embracing of the path less known, knowing it is serving me now and perhaps that’s enough." that completely spoke to me and you worded it perfectly. I hope I can also have courage enough to continue pursuing the path less known, too. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading, and for this reflection -- doing what's right versus what looks good on the outside is such a human practice for all of us, I think. <3
It absolutely is. Xx
Lisa, thank you so much for sharing. We so often see the "before and after" moments where there appears to be some level of identifiable outcome in the "after" (especially in our social media world... the algorithm loves a clear-cut, inspirational story, doesn't it?). I always wish there was more said on the in-between space and the process. Yet, I also recognize how this in-between space is the most difficult part to share, and it takes a tremendous amount of self-trust to share about the not-knowing.
Yet, is there really truly ever a clear destination? As much as I always want clarity, I recognize that the journey truly never ends. There may be moments that look very clear, only for the path to appear murky again when the next segment of the journey begins.
We see so many before and after moments, don't we? So much so that I think we can feel rushed to make it through our transitional seasons quicker than we're meant to. The lingering here feels important. And you're so right... it is a continuous cycle of known and unknown. Thank you for sharing.
Yes - those in-between moments, like you said. I'm thinking of all the things we enjoy - they pull us into the very moment. Leaves crushing underfoot, the fall of a snowflake on our face, the buzz of a mosquito, the dive into cold water. All gifts from the in-between :-)
My great friend, a physicist and writer just recommended the Rick Rubin book to me! She says: As a writer/creator, I often struggle to understand how to fit/not to fit in, and how to deal with borrowed expectations about my output. His thoughts on creation are both crushingly obvious, but also very nuanced. He both brings up the expectations to a cosmological level and at the same time strips out all pre assumptions. It’s hard to describe… I know he can also rub people the wrong way in his bro-turned-zen energy
He fascinates and inspires me in many ways! His book isn't necessarily revolutionary or new, but the way it is shared feels nurturing, expansive, insightful, and like a big creative nudge.
And I sent to her your second recco in your post, ordering that too
Im going to write about it once I read it ;)
That last paragraph hit me so hard ~ I’m at a professional crossroads right now and it’s just so damn hard and scary. This was what I needed today ❤️
So glad it reached you <3
I love this post with my whole heart. I'm there, too. In the in-between. Trying to be OK with where I'm at and positive about where I'm going.
So glad it reached you -- and I see you in the in-between. <3
"I was grateful to be reaching so many people in a supportive, helpful way, but my soul was dying. I was honored to have the privilege of a large platform, but my humanity was crumbling."
I would just like to say that you are a brave person, Lisa, and my soul sees yours. What even is success if it is not authentic? You see it play out all the time- the burnout and illness of the most outwardly successful people, and yet you still cannot help but get sucked in because of societal conditioning. I have to practice telling myself over and over that true success for me is the feeling that I have not had to betray myself and also being a well-rounded person who values time and people over things and money. I made the personal decision not to use Instagram because I do not believe in it, particularly what it does to the mental health of teenage girls (I wouldn't have stood a chance if it was around when I was that age!) but I have missed out on things because of this decision. I also know that plenty of people rely on it for their business or feeling connected, and I am not judging them for that. It is a messed up world we live in when you have to choose between surviving or maintaining mental health and integrity. We are the lucky ones who have other options. I hope society will make progress on this. I am grateful you are able to share what feels right and more true for you because it still does help so many people on a very human level (I think I just understood the title of your newsletters Human Stuff on a different level as well ☺️). Thank you.
“It is a messed up world we live in when you have to choose between surviving or maintaining mental health and integrity.”
Yes, that sums things up perfectly! My husband and I are struggling to survive financially because we chose to maintain our mental health and integrity. He has had two absolutely horrible retail sales jobs that he endured as long as he could (less than a year in both cases) but quit when he couldn’t ethically do what was expected of him (lie to customers, upsell things they didn’t need or were overpriced, etc) and has now been unemployed for almost a year.
Ugh. I'm so sorry for the struggle that you and your husband are enduring, Wendi. It shouldn't be that way. We shouldn't have to give up our ethics to succeed financially. It is easy to say hold on to your morals no matter the cost, but not so easy to enact when our very survival is at stake. Oh how far we have strayed from the balance that our humanity needs and that our souls crave. I am thinking of you and dreaming of a more beautiful world. 🙏
Thank you very much, Lisa.
We so often feel stuck and trapped by our own choices, as if we aren’t the ones making them. Or maybe I should only speak for myself — I so often feel stuck and trapped by my own choices, as if I’m not the one making them.
Oh how this resonates. I don't think I felt this so intensely as after one of my suicide attempts, the one that was followed by being hospitalized for a few days. I felt so detached from reality that I thought I'd landed myself in hell, literally, not metaphorically. After a more impulsive attempt, I really did feel so so trapped in my choices and it became quite paralyzing to make a choice about anything, because I was afraid that any choice I made would have a domino effect to another attempt. After trying to kill myself, I became bitter with the concept of choice. Choice is so incredibly nuanced. Choosing to stay does feel like a trap; choosing to kill myself... may set me free but it is rooted in feeling trapped and I know that is an illusion and I know deep down that life might not always feel like a trap.
The following line you wrote, "The truth is that I didn't trust myself." And that is exactly it... choices feel incredibly dangerous when we don't trust ourselves, when we don't know ourselves. Maybe, choices can feel like a trap because we forget we can choose differently even after we've made the initial choice; we can change our minds... but changing my mind somehow feels like I am doing something wrong, like I am failing somehow. Weird. We put such harsh standards and expectations on ourselves.
As always, thanks for sharing your internal experience.
This resonates deeply, thank you. It has touched the part of me that knows that as I grow and learn and am changed by life, so do my longings/how I wish to spend my precious time and energy. And sometimes it makes little 'logical' sense (my ego does not enjoy that!). Thank you for following your own longings and allowing us to see you on that journey. It gives others permission to do the same in their own ways :)
Thank you so much for sharing Lisa. I feel my heart soften and my body wants to collapse within... just to rest here for a little bit.
I had also made a very difficult right choice in the past to leave a job in community child protection that I was deeply passionate about for the sake of my body’s health. There was grief definitely. 2 years later now we have our 3 mth old son.
Thanks for inspiring me to share the in between moments in my postpartum journey as well.
I love you and I adore you. Thank you for reminding me to be more me, simply by your presence through your words.
Thanks for your observations and your candor.
"sometimes, we need to make the right choice before we know where it will lead."
A lot of truth and wisdom in that sentence alone. A lifetime.
I am so glad that you answered the call. That you are here now. Here now as Lisa first and foremost. Thank goodness. What a gift to us all who get to know you, see you, feel you in this way!
A beautiful reminder that bravery is the most important thing in art - thank you.
Glad you said that about art in general. This is an artform, and the more creative, the riskier and possibly more fulfilling.
Yes!
In addition to today’s letter being such a comfort, all of these comments of people resonating with it are also bringing comfort! I, too, am at a professional (and personal, given my profession in many ways *is* my personhood) crossroads, also in a profession that has brought with it a lot of public visibility (from which I tried to hide for *years*) + have been doing the same thing for 22 years, so facing the grief that’s arising is... intense. I’m realizing it’s okay to deal with it in morsels, not to try to Bruce Bogtrotter this grief cake. Thank you again for the humanness. ❤️
This speaks to me so much in this given moment as I am embarking on my own version of the unknown path. The truth is I've been so ready to go on this journey for so long but it is only recently that something has shifted deep within me that's given me the nudge to leap when I'm not quite sure where I'm leaping to. Thank you for being that beautiful mirror that I am not alone in this, that there are others walking their own version of this journey of treading an untrodden path.
I'm struck with the number of comments about the unknown path. I love it! Shivers up my spine stuff - taking steps into the unknown. I think Lisa must feel so supported by this talk. :-)
Somehow, your writing always hits the right note when I need it the most! Beautiful words. 💕