Aww that moment with you daughter picking that ugly, broken, terrifying toy... ripped me wide open 🥹♥️ what is it about children, that they always gravitate to the imperfect and love on it anyway?! Such little wise guides for us!
And like you, I’ve been married 4 years but rarely use the word “husband” (sounds so serious that it’s silly to me). I also prefer “partner” (which is how I refer to him in my Substack posts too). 👯♂️
“And, my idea of healing has altered entirely; There’s truly nothing to fix or change anymore. There is just an ever-widening opening to be with all of it, just as it is, right now. And right now, it’s being with a lot of grief — and with that, a lot of aliveness.”
Such beautiful words on the dual nature of grief and healing, I truly believe that the most vital aspect of healing is restoring our capacity to feel ♥️
I resonate with your preference for the term partner. It always feels weird and ill-fitting to call my partner my boyfriend. I also love what you named about grief being an in-road to healing. I think I have some untapped grief that has been blocking my path to healing, and I've finally been able to start accessing some of the grief over the past few weeks.
I’ve been ruminating about #6.....living with grief and the evolution of it in my psyche, body, soul since 2009, but in a more acute state starting in 2014. The shock of loss and numbness when my dad died in 2009 followed in late 2014-early 2015 by the shock of loss and numbness attendant to death of my dogs, my past partner and my then partner, sale of my house and a major move....I am aware that it is more than my whole self could handle and that there was a period of shut down-to-the-bare-nubbins that occurred after each time. I am also just as aware of the slow opening that has occurred as the splitting of a seed covering allows the opening and rooting of a seed. And with that slow opening comes a deeper understanding and appreciation of my wide open heart....my practice has become the myriad of times everyday that I notice, feel, let go....not always as easy as it sounds typing it! Especially the letting go part. Thanks, for being here🩷
I came reading this letter in my typical depressed, dissociated state I tend to feel on the weekends. Reading through this completely grounded me. It cleared my eyes, allowed for me to take a deep breath, word by word. Couple of times I teared up, which cleared away the dissociation even more; a reminder that connection to my emotions is... everything.
Thank you for creating such a space. <3
"That feels good, like momentum, like a reminder that we can notice what isn’t working and choose something different. That feels like hope." It does feel like hope. I often hate the word "choice/choose" the notion that we can just step out of our current situation (internal or external) when it is way more nuanced than a simple yes/no, stay/leave, look/look away. But something feels more true about it today. Maybe a sign of healing =), to see the options to begin with.
"I can’t help but believe we must find ways to stay with difference when we can — to not throw anyone away." Thank you for this, and as you say, it is hard to practice. This reminds me, though, that I can start with myself, not throw anything away in me, anything I'm ashamed of, have continually pushed to the edges. I can include my whole self as the pieces and parts come forward to be counted. And then, hopefully, I'll be able to include some of the differences in others.
Lisa. Number 9 really hit my heart - I am also trying to cultivate interior companionship and navigate loneliness/longing for community. It’s so challenging because letting new people in feels both so hopeful and so scary. I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to feel more present with yourself, wishing more of that for both of us this year.
Oh this is so good. “And, my idea of healing has altered entirely; There’s truly nothing to fix or change anymore. There is just an ever-widening opening to be with all of it, just as it is, right now. And right now, it’s being with a lot of grief — and with that, a lot of aliveness.”
Sometimes it feels too much to think about healing being done. I like the idea of reframing it to an ever widening opening. So thank you!
I completely understand the doomscrolling because it feels as though if we’re not looking away, we’re helping in some way, but I’m not sure that’s true. If we traumatize ourselves to the point of breaking down, we’re no help. This has been my experience but I know it’s not everyone’s.
Re: #3, Virgie Tovar just wrote a piece not specifically about the word husband, but about being in a heteronormative relationship that I found really interesting.
Aww that moment with you daughter picking that ugly, broken, terrifying toy... ripped me wide open 🥹♥️ what is it about children, that they always gravitate to the imperfect and love on it anyway?! Such little wise guides for us!
And like you, I’ve been married 4 years but rarely use the word “husband” (sounds so serious that it’s silly to me). I also prefer “partner” (which is how I refer to him in my Substack posts too). 👯♂️
“And, my idea of healing has altered entirely; There’s truly nothing to fix or change anymore. There is just an ever-widening opening to be with all of it, just as it is, right now. And right now, it’s being with a lot of grief — and with that, a lot of aliveness.”
Such beautiful words on the dual nature of grief and healing, I truly believe that the most vital aspect of healing is restoring our capacity to feel ♥️
I resonate with your preference for the term partner. It always feels weird and ill-fitting to call my partner my boyfriend. I also love what you named about grief being an in-road to healing. I think I have some untapped grief that has been blocking my path to healing, and I've finally been able to start accessing some of the grief over the past few weeks.
I’ve been ruminating about #6.....living with grief and the evolution of it in my psyche, body, soul since 2009, but in a more acute state starting in 2014. The shock of loss and numbness when my dad died in 2009 followed in late 2014-early 2015 by the shock of loss and numbness attendant to death of my dogs, my past partner and my then partner, sale of my house and a major move....I am aware that it is more than my whole self could handle and that there was a period of shut down-to-the-bare-nubbins that occurred after each time. I am also just as aware of the slow opening that has occurred as the splitting of a seed covering allows the opening and rooting of a seed. And with that slow opening comes a deeper understanding and appreciation of my wide open heart....my practice has become the myriad of times everyday that I notice, feel, let go....not always as easy as it sounds typing it! Especially the letting go part. Thanks, for being here🩷
I came reading this letter in my typical depressed, dissociated state I tend to feel on the weekends. Reading through this completely grounded me. It cleared my eyes, allowed for me to take a deep breath, word by word. Couple of times I teared up, which cleared away the dissociation even more; a reminder that connection to my emotions is... everything.
Thank you for creating such a space. <3
"That feels good, like momentum, like a reminder that we can notice what isn’t working and choose something different. That feels like hope." It does feel like hope. I often hate the word "choice/choose" the notion that we can just step out of our current situation (internal or external) when it is way more nuanced than a simple yes/no, stay/leave, look/look away. But something feels more true about it today. Maybe a sign of healing =), to see the options to begin with.
"I can’t help but believe we must find ways to stay with difference when we can — to not throw anyone away." Thank you for this, and as you say, it is hard to practice. This reminds me, though, that I can start with myself, not throw anything away in me, anything I'm ashamed of, have continually pushed to the edges. I can include my whole self as the pieces and parts come forward to be counted. And then, hopefully, I'll be able to include some of the differences in others.
Lisa, Excellent heartfelt telling of your truth. Loved this line ' am feeling the truth of grief being an in-road to healing' Well done. D
Reading this piece this morning felt like long deep breaths and started my day in a calm and reflective mood. Thank you your writing. ☺️
Thank you so much for these heartfelt notes, Lisa.
You might be interested, based on the item about waking up and quickly looking at what is happening in Gaza.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-ezra-klein-show/id1548604447?i=1000637918937
"My morals tell me not to throw anyone away" ♥️
#9 ♥️🫂
Lisa. Number 9 really hit my heart - I am also trying to cultivate interior companionship and navigate loneliness/longing for community. It’s so challenging because letting new people in feels both so hopeful and so scary. I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to feel more present with yourself, wishing more of that for both of us this year.
#4 and 6...right there with you
Oh this is so good. “And, my idea of healing has altered entirely; There’s truly nothing to fix or change anymore. There is just an ever-widening opening to be with all of it, just as it is, right now. And right now, it’s being with a lot of grief — and with that, a lot of aliveness.”
Sometimes it feels too much to think about healing being done. I like the idea of reframing it to an ever widening opening. So thank you!
I completely understand the doomscrolling because it feels as though if we’re not looking away, we’re helping in some way, but I’m not sure that’s true. If we traumatize ourselves to the point of breaking down, we’re no help. This has been my experience but I know it’s not everyone’s.
Re: #3, Virgie Tovar just wrote a piece not specifically about the word husband, but about being in a heteronormative relationship that I found really interesting.
As always, sending love and ease.