I'll also just name: there is so much more I could say about this topic but I didn't want to make my newsletter 8,000 words long. It's so complex and deep -- and so different for all of us, even when there is overlap. I hope this brief touching on the topic can spark some personal inquiry and a well of compassion for however it may show up for you. Thank you for reading, as always. <3
So, not sure how vulnerable I am willing to be here in this space, except to say that I have the exact same struggle. While I don't have the presence online such as yourself, I have a similar story in that many reach out to me for the work I do in education. I would say I have many connections with people and probably to many who don't really know me personally appears as if I have friends and am beaming with support.
The reality is the opposite. I feel the loneliest I have felt in all my life despire three wonderful children and a wife. It is not a reflection on the dynamics of family, but in the world that I don't have anyone who I would consider a close friend. I don't have a person to go hang out with and have fun while also being a person to open up and talk about issues of life.
Everything remains inside of me and in a session once a week, but a huge hole is in my world of not feeling connected, not feeling part of. It almost feels like I put on a costume when it comes to the world of work where I share ideas, connect, present, etc. and then head back to hotel and sit alone. Or sit alone on weekend nights while my kids and wife go with their friends.
There is a weird element of being a middle aged male working to find friendship as well. It is just not something that is freely discussed and often from what I read is a real issue for males at this age of life where friends diminish. How does one even begin to "find" or "form" friends?
No conclusion here except that I felt every word of this newsletter and while just a stranger from the social media world, your words resonate and to even share this is a huge step in my world.
Oct 16, 2022·edited Oct 16, 2022Liked by Lisa Olivera
Oh the tenderness… I’m imagining all of us who have read your words gathering together and just sitting in silence and solidarity for awhile… Goodness, it’s complicated being a human.
Although the details of our stories are very different there is so much that continues to deeply resonate. I’ve come to recognize that I’ve spent my adulthood hustling to heal so that I’d feel like I might become loveable - that I might become worthy of being known. And yet, for me (and I suspect many of us) it has been incredibly risky and even unsafe to accept my humanity because others have shamed and condemned me for it. It saddens me that “you are enough” is a message that feels so utterly revolutionary to many of us. But we do need it. I need it. Deeply. Thank you Lisa, for every word - for your vulnerability in sharing your own humanity to remind me that I have the permission to do so too.
P.s. I’m curious about your experience with “The Artist’s Way”. It has not been helpful for me. It feels like there’s always more to do in order to optimize my creativity and I find it so exhausting.
"It has always felt safer to be alone. It’s felt safer to keep people on the edges of me while craving being seen at the center. It’s felt safer to let relationships fade instead of doing the vulnerable thing and putting in the work. It’s felt safer to leave before being left, to isolate before being hurt, to give give give instead of needing. It’s felt safer to be in a position of holding space, where reciprocal relating isn’t required." Literally allll of this.
It shouldn't feel easier to be alone should it? I resonate with all of this so much, feeling that desperate need to belong but to not draw attention to myself. Being there but at the same time feeling like I'm on the outside looking in... I think maybe I've just gotten more selective with who I give my energy to.
I had a conversation with my partner recently about how it's easy to forget that doctors are humans, and I think it's the same for anyone who does this work professionally such as counselors and therapists. You are so much more than a stranger's words I admire on Instagram. I appreciate your depth. Remembering that we're all human, makes being a human easier for me.♡
Lisa, this resonates with me deeply. I have always been able to connect with people pretty instantly, I can make "friends" wherever I go. But the deeper relationships are so much more difficult. Whenever I am finally brave enough to be vulnerable and share more deeply, I instantly pull away and even detach from people. I can easily never speak to this person ever again. But I know I long for and need that deep connection, it is a bit easier now but it is still very much so a challenge for me. I often feel very alone these days, very disconnected from everyone, including myself. I am not entirely sure how to feel more connected, especially when I am dissociated when I am with people. But, it is something I will continue to work on.
Lisa. Just wow. The way you continue to show up and bring us into your inner world feels both daring and wildly generous. I felt a welcoming and a gentle challenge in your words here... a reminder that I am both always in process and already arrived. Thank you 🧡
bewildered by the deeply resonant humanness of your words. i so look forward to this newsletter each week (and the comments that say, “me too!”) and carry the oneness with me throughout the coming days. 🫧
Beautifully said Lisa, appreciate you sharing. I can really relate as an emigrant who left behind dear life-long friendships. I’ve struggled in the tight knit communities I’ve lived in to make new friendships, but I’m not I’ve wanted new friends for so many fearful reasons, but when a connection emerges it feels so nurturing. Such a difficult and unexplored topic, thanks for writing about it.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words! It definitely made me reflect on how I can be more compassionate towards myself when patterns I thought I had moved past arise again. Sending you so much love🫶🏻✨
While my childhood does not mirror yours, so much of what you write feels like a mirror into my own life. "I can’t think of anything that’s been harder for me than letting love in." Absolutely yes. I have CPTSD and massive trust issues. I'm getting divorced from my partner of 18 years, and yet, for the first time, I love myself more than ever. I am more eager than ever to actually maintain friendships, which have always felt like an alien concept to me.
Every week, your newsletter is a ray of light. Every. Week.
I'll also just name: there is so much more I could say about this topic but I didn't want to make my newsletter 8,000 words long. It's so complex and deep -- and so different for all of us, even when there is overlap. I hope this brief touching on the topic can spark some personal inquiry and a well of compassion for however it may show up for you. Thank you for reading, as always. <3
So, not sure how vulnerable I am willing to be here in this space, except to say that I have the exact same struggle. While I don't have the presence online such as yourself, I have a similar story in that many reach out to me for the work I do in education. I would say I have many connections with people and probably to many who don't really know me personally appears as if I have friends and am beaming with support.
The reality is the opposite. I feel the loneliest I have felt in all my life despire three wonderful children and a wife. It is not a reflection on the dynamics of family, but in the world that I don't have anyone who I would consider a close friend. I don't have a person to go hang out with and have fun while also being a person to open up and talk about issues of life.
Everything remains inside of me and in a session once a week, but a huge hole is in my world of not feeling connected, not feeling part of. It almost feels like I put on a costume when it comes to the world of work where I share ideas, connect, present, etc. and then head back to hotel and sit alone. Or sit alone on weekend nights while my kids and wife go with their friends.
There is a weird element of being a middle aged male working to find friendship as well. It is just not something that is freely discussed and often from what I read is a real issue for males at this age of life where friends diminish. How does one even begin to "find" or "form" friends?
No conclusion here except that I felt every word of this newsletter and while just a stranger from the social media world, your words resonate and to even share this is a huge step in my world.
Thank you as always for you words.
Oh the tenderness… I’m imagining all of us who have read your words gathering together and just sitting in silence and solidarity for awhile… Goodness, it’s complicated being a human.
Although the details of our stories are very different there is so much that continues to deeply resonate. I’ve come to recognize that I’ve spent my adulthood hustling to heal so that I’d feel like I might become loveable - that I might become worthy of being known. And yet, for me (and I suspect many of us) it has been incredibly risky and even unsafe to accept my humanity because others have shamed and condemned me for it. It saddens me that “you are enough” is a message that feels so utterly revolutionary to many of us. But we do need it. I need it. Deeply. Thank you Lisa, for every word - for your vulnerability in sharing your own humanity to remind me that I have the permission to do so too.
P.s. I’m curious about your experience with “The Artist’s Way”. It has not been helpful for me. It feels like there’s always more to do in order to optimize my creativity and I find it so exhausting.
"It has always felt safer to be alone. It’s felt safer to keep people on the edges of me while craving being seen at the center. It’s felt safer to let relationships fade instead of doing the vulnerable thing and putting in the work. It’s felt safer to leave before being left, to isolate before being hurt, to give give give instead of needing. It’s felt safer to be in a position of holding space, where reciprocal relating isn’t required." Literally allll of this.
It shouldn't feel easier to be alone should it? I resonate with all of this so much, feeling that desperate need to belong but to not draw attention to myself. Being there but at the same time feeling like I'm on the outside looking in... I think maybe I've just gotten more selective with who I give my energy to.
I had a conversation with my partner recently about how it's easy to forget that doctors are humans, and I think it's the same for anyone who does this work professionally such as counselors and therapists. You are so much more than a stranger's words I admire on Instagram. I appreciate your depth. Remembering that we're all human, makes being a human easier for me.♡
Lisa, this resonates with me deeply. I have always been able to connect with people pretty instantly, I can make "friends" wherever I go. But the deeper relationships are so much more difficult. Whenever I am finally brave enough to be vulnerable and share more deeply, I instantly pull away and even detach from people. I can easily never speak to this person ever again. But I know I long for and need that deep connection, it is a bit easier now but it is still very much so a challenge for me. I often feel very alone these days, very disconnected from everyone, including myself. I am not entirely sure how to feel more connected, especially when I am dissociated when I am with people. But, it is something I will continue to work on.
As always, thank you for sharing your journey.
Lisa. Just wow. The way you continue to show up and bring us into your inner world feels both daring and wildly generous. I felt a welcoming and a gentle challenge in your words here... a reminder that I am both always in process and already arrived. Thank you 🧡
bewildered by the deeply resonant humanness of your words. i so look forward to this newsletter each week (and the comments that say, “me too!”) and carry the oneness with me throughout the coming days. 🫧
Still longing to let love in....and I'm old.
This one really resonates. Thank you for sharing <3
Beautifully said Lisa, appreciate you sharing. I can really relate as an emigrant who left behind dear life-long friendships. I’ve struggled in the tight knit communities I’ve lived in to make new friendships, but I’m not I’ve wanted new friends for so many fearful reasons, but when a connection emerges it feels so nurturing. Such a difficult and unexplored topic, thanks for writing about it.
Thank you for this, Lisa. I find it profoundly relatable
This is beautiful and resonates deeply. Thank you for sharing yourself here and being willing to be seen.
I’m starting a change.org petition for the 8,000 word newsletter!
Thank you for another offering of nuanced commiseration. Thank you for your vulnerability + to echo back to you, you are not alone. ❤️
Thank you so much for your beautiful words! It definitely made me reflect on how I can be more compassionate towards myself when patterns I thought I had moved past arise again. Sending you so much love🫶🏻✨
While my childhood does not mirror yours, so much of what you write feels like a mirror into my own life. "I can’t think of anything that’s been harder for me than letting love in." Absolutely yes. I have CPTSD and massive trust issues. I'm getting divorced from my partner of 18 years, and yet, for the first time, I love myself more than ever. I am more eager than ever to actually maintain friendships, which have always felt like an alien concept to me.
Every week, your newsletter is a ray of light. Every. Week.