I'll also just name: there is so much more I could say about this topic but I didn't want to make my newsletter 8,000 words long. It's so complex and deep -- and so different for all of us, even when there is overlap. I hope this brief touching on the topic can spark some personal inquiry and a well of compassion for however it may show up for you. Thank you for reading, as always. <3
So, not sure how vulnerable I am willing to be here in this space, except to say that I have the exact same struggle. While I don't have the presence online such as yourself, I have a similar story in that many reach out to me for the work I do in education. I would say I have many connections with people and probably to many who don't really know me personally appears as if I have friends and am beaming with support.
The reality is the opposite. I feel the loneliest I have felt in all my life despire three wonderful children and a wife. It is not a reflection on the dynamics of family, but in the world that I don't have anyone who I would consider a close friend. I don't have a person to go hang out with and have fun while also being a person to open up and talk about issues of life.
Everything remains inside of me and in a session once a week, but a huge hole is in my world of not feeling connected, not feeling part of. It almost feels like I put on a costume when it comes to the world of work where I share ideas, connect, present, etc. and then head back to hotel and sit alone. Or sit alone on weekend nights while my kids and wife go with their friends.
There is a weird element of being a middle aged male working to find friendship as well. It is just not something that is freely discussed and often from what I read is a real issue for males at this age of life where friends diminish. How does one even begin to "find" or "form" friends?
No conclusion here except that I felt every word of this newsletter and while just a stranger from the social media world, your words resonate and to even share this is a huge step in my world.
Thanks for sharing all this, Aaron. I think the issue of male friendship brings even more depth and nuance to this conversation -- the ways men have been conditioned to hide their desire for intimate relationships with other men, the bypassing of men's emotional needs... I could go on.
I don't know if you've read it, but The Will to Change by bell hooks is an incredible book that goes into this topic about men and love with profound meaning. I highly recommend it. And I, too, resonate with the challenge of our world not making it easy to feel like close connections are widely available -- even though I imagine most of us are searching for them in some way or another. Thank you as always for sharing here, and for reading. It's so appreciated.
Thanks for sharing your experience so vulnerably here. It is an honor for me to witness you, even across the digital expanse. It is so hard to find connection out in the world! Ironically, and not surprisingly. Just wanted to reach out and say that there are places and contexts--possibly closer than you may think--where men gather together and talk about things that are vulnerable and difficult and beautiful.
I've been a part of so-called "men's work" for many years. I cherish the depth of connection and presence that I experience with the friends that I've gained from sitting in circles and being seen and witnessed and held and challenged in different moments. It is powerful work, with the purpose--when done well--of re-connection with your essence, a sense of direction and purpose that can bring up a lot of emotional material, and also bring a lot of benefit to you and your loved ones.
There are many organizations and groups doing this type of work. Trusting your own intuition about what's right for you, I won't recommend any, but can just point in the general direction of ManKind Project, Noble Man, Evryman, and Sacred Sons. Or you can just google 'men's circles' and see if anything resonates.
Oct 16, 2022·edited Oct 16, 2022Liked by Lisa Olivera
Oh the tenderness… I’m imagining all of us who have read your words gathering together and just sitting in silence and solidarity for awhile… Goodness, it’s complicated being a human.
Although the details of our stories are very different there is so much that continues to deeply resonate. I’ve come to recognize that I’ve spent my adulthood hustling to heal so that I’d feel like I might become loveable - that I might become worthy of being known. And yet, for me (and I suspect many of us) it has been incredibly risky and even unsafe to accept my humanity because others have shamed and condemned me for it. It saddens me that “you are enough” is a message that feels so utterly revolutionary to many of us. But we do need it. I need it. Deeply. Thank you Lisa, for every word - for your vulnerability in sharing your own humanity to remind me that I have the permission to do so too.
P.s. I’m curious about your experience with “The Artist’s Way”. It has not been helpful for me. It feels like there’s always more to do in order to optimize my creativity and I find it so exhausting.
Thank you for sharing these words -- I know they are shared by so many, even when we're not always sure how to express it and even when it shows up in varying ways. Your reflection is beautiful and resonant, and one I imagine will ebb and flow for a lifetime.
RE: The Artist's Way -- I both love it and also resent the structure/optimization sometimes! I find it a good starting point and enjoy many parts of it, so I try to utilize the tools it provides in a way that feels supportive and nourishing for me in the season I'm in. For this season, morning pages will probably be it -- and letting that be enough, be meaningful, be a creative edge to move toward feels exciting right now. I think that's what matters most -- is it helpful? What from it feels like a supportive nudge and what part feels exhausting? And how can you move around the exhausting parts, so you can move closer toward exploring it in a way that ignites you? Those are questions I ask myself <3
"It has always felt safer to be alone. It’s felt safer to keep people on the edges of me while craving being seen at the center. It’s felt safer to let relationships fade instead of doing the vulnerable thing and putting in the work. It’s felt safer to leave before being left, to isolate before being hurt, to give give give instead of needing. It’s felt safer to be in a position of holding space, where reciprocal relating isn’t required." Literally allll of this.
It shouldn't feel easier to be alone should it? I resonate with all of this so much, feeling that desperate need to belong but to not draw attention to myself. Being there but at the same time feeling like I'm on the outside looking in... I think maybe I've just gotten more selective with who I give my energy to.
"I've gotten more selective with who I give my energy to" -- this is a huge piece of it. I think when we've done a lot of inner work, some of the relationships we once held just don't fit anymore... and it can be challenging to start over, in a sense, as the truest version of ourselves. It's so complicated. Thank you for sharing <3
I had a conversation with my partner recently about how it's easy to forget that doctors are humans, and I think it's the same for anyone who does this work professionally such as counselors and therapists. You are so much more than a stranger's words I admire on Instagram. I appreciate your depth. Remembering that we're all human, makes being a human easier for me.♡
Thank you so much, Maria -- I know all of us are moving through these things in some form or another, whether now or previously or to come. It's so helpful to remember we're not alone in our humanness. <3
Lisa, this resonates with me deeply. I have always been able to connect with people pretty instantly, I can make "friends" wherever I go. But the deeper relationships are so much more difficult. Whenever I am finally brave enough to be vulnerable and share more deeply, I instantly pull away and even detach from people. I can easily never speak to this person ever again. But I know I long for and need that deep connection, it is a bit easier now but it is still very much so a challenge for me. I often feel very alone these days, very disconnected from everyone, including myself. I am not entirely sure how to feel more connected, especially when I am dissociated when I am with people. But, it is something I will continue to work on.
Lisa. Just wow. The way you continue to show up and bring us into your inner world feels both daring and wildly generous. I felt a welcoming and a gentle challenge in your words here... a reminder that I am both always in process and already arrived. Thank you 🧡
Thank you so much for this reflection and these words -- truly means a lot. And thank you for being here -- that last sentence is truly beautiful and one to return to <3
bewildered by the deeply resonant humanness of your words. i so look forward to this newsletter each week (and the comments that say, “me too!”) and carry the oneness with me throughout the coming days. 🫧
Beautifully said Lisa, appreciate you sharing. I can really relate as an emigrant who left behind dear life-long friendships. I’ve struggled in the tight knit communities I’ve lived in to make new friendships, but I’m not I’ve wanted new friends for so many fearful reasons, but when a connection emerges it feels so nurturing. Such a difficult and unexplored topic, thanks for writing about it.
Don't tempt me -- I have to narrow my writing so often! Keeping it short is a struggle. And thank you for being here and your presence in this space - it is felt and noticed. <3
Thank you so much for your beautiful words! It definitely made me reflect on how I can be more compassionate towards myself when patterns I thought I had moved past arise again. Sending you so much love🫶🏻✨
While my childhood does not mirror yours, so much of what you write feels like a mirror into my own life. "I can’t think of anything that’s been harder for me than letting love in." Absolutely yes. I have CPTSD and massive trust issues. I'm getting divorced from my partner of 18 years, and yet, for the first time, I love myself more than ever. I am more eager than ever to actually maintain friendships, which have always felt like an alien concept to me.
Every week, your newsletter is a ray of light. Every. Week.
I'm so grateful to hear the space you're in and to feel that sense of possibility opening up. It's such an expansive place to be... as scary as it may feel at times. And thank you for your reflection here <3
Your writing encourages me to keep my own substack (latelyonsundays.com) going. To write about the ongoing process. I hesitate so much because I don’t have the pretty packaged lesson tied up with a bow to share publicly. Still too raw, unprocessed to expose and willing send to someone’s inbox. Reading through your posts has given me courage and inspiration and (because humans) a twang of envy at your vulnerability and bravery. Thank you.
I'll also just name: there is so much more I could say about this topic but I didn't want to make my newsletter 8,000 words long. It's so complex and deep -- and so different for all of us, even when there is overlap. I hope this brief touching on the topic can spark some personal inquiry and a well of compassion for however it may show up for you. Thank you for reading, as always. <3
So beautifully written. And, as an abandoned newborn, completely relatable. Thank you for your vulnerability.
<3 <3
So, not sure how vulnerable I am willing to be here in this space, except to say that I have the exact same struggle. While I don't have the presence online such as yourself, I have a similar story in that many reach out to me for the work I do in education. I would say I have many connections with people and probably to many who don't really know me personally appears as if I have friends and am beaming with support.
The reality is the opposite. I feel the loneliest I have felt in all my life despire three wonderful children and a wife. It is not a reflection on the dynamics of family, but in the world that I don't have anyone who I would consider a close friend. I don't have a person to go hang out with and have fun while also being a person to open up and talk about issues of life.
Everything remains inside of me and in a session once a week, but a huge hole is in my world of not feeling connected, not feeling part of. It almost feels like I put on a costume when it comes to the world of work where I share ideas, connect, present, etc. and then head back to hotel and sit alone. Or sit alone on weekend nights while my kids and wife go with their friends.
There is a weird element of being a middle aged male working to find friendship as well. It is just not something that is freely discussed and often from what I read is a real issue for males at this age of life where friends diminish. How does one even begin to "find" or "form" friends?
No conclusion here except that I felt every word of this newsletter and while just a stranger from the social media world, your words resonate and to even share this is a huge step in my world.
Thank you as always for you words.
Thanks for sharing all this, Aaron. I think the issue of male friendship brings even more depth and nuance to this conversation -- the ways men have been conditioned to hide their desire for intimate relationships with other men, the bypassing of men's emotional needs... I could go on.
I don't know if you've read it, but The Will to Change by bell hooks is an incredible book that goes into this topic about men and love with profound meaning. I highly recommend it. And I, too, resonate with the challenge of our world not making it easy to feel like close connections are widely available -- even though I imagine most of us are searching for them in some way or another. Thank you as always for sharing here, and for reading. It's so appreciated.
Hi Aaron,
Thanks for sharing your experience so vulnerably here. It is an honor for me to witness you, even across the digital expanse. It is so hard to find connection out in the world! Ironically, and not surprisingly. Just wanted to reach out and say that there are places and contexts--possibly closer than you may think--where men gather together and talk about things that are vulnerable and difficult and beautiful.
I've been a part of so-called "men's work" for many years. I cherish the depth of connection and presence that I experience with the friends that I've gained from sitting in circles and being seen and witnessed and held and challenged in different moments. It is powerful work, with the purpose--when done well--of re-connection with your essence, a sense of direction and purpose that can bring up a lot of emotional material, and also bring a lot of benefit to you and your loved ones.
There are many organizations and groups doing this type of work. Trusting your own intuition about what's right for you, I won't recommend any, but can just point in the general direction of ManKind Project, Noble Man, Evryman, and Sacred Sons. Or you can just google 'men's circles' and see if anything resonates.
Blessings on your path, brother.
Oh the tenderness… I’m imagining all of us who have read your words gathering together and just sitting in silence and solidarity for awhile… Goodness, it’s complicated being a human.
Although the details of our stories are very different there is so much that continues to deeply resonate. I’ve come to recognize that I’ve spent my adulthood hustling to heal so that I’d feel like I might become loveable - that I might become worthy of being known. And yet, for me (and I suspect many of us) it has been incredibly risky and even unsafe to accept my humanity because others have shamed and condemned me for it. It saddens me that “you are enough” is a message that feels so utterly revolutionary to many of us. But we do need it. I need it. Deeply. Thank you Lisa, for every word - for your vulnerability in sharing your own humanity to remind me that I have the permission to do so too.
P.s. I’m curious about your experience with “The Artist’s Way”. It has not been helpful for me. It feels like there’s always more to do in order to optimize my creativity and I find it so exhausting.
Thank you for sharing these words -- I know they are shared by so many, even when we're not always sure how to express it and even when it shows up in varying ways. Your reflection is beautiful and resonant, and one I imagine will ebb and flow for a lifetime.
RE: The Artist's Way -- I both love it and also resent the structure/optimization sometimes! I find it a good starting point and enjoy many parts of it, so I try to utilize the tools it provides in a way that feels supportive and nourishing for me in the season I'm in. For this season, morning pages will probably be it -- and letting that be enough, be meaningful, be a creative edge to move toward feels exciting right now. I think that's what matters most -- is it helpful? What from it feels like a supportive nudge and what part feels exhausting? And how can you move around the exhausting parts, so you can move closer toward exploring it in a way that ignites you? Those are questions I ask myself <3
Thanks for sharing! Those are great questions.
"It has always felt safer to be alone. It’s felt safer to keep people on the edges of me while craving being seen at the center. It’s felt safer to let relationships fade instead of doing the vulnerable thing and putting in the work. It’s felt safer to leave before being left, to isolate before being hurt, to give give give instead of needing. It’s felt safer to be in a position of holding space, where reciprocal relating isn’t required." Literally allll of this.
It shouldn't feel easier to be alone should it? I resonate with all of this so much, feeling that desperate need to belong but to not draw attention to myself. Being there but at the same time feeling like I'm on the outside looking in... I think maybe I've just gotten more selective with who I give my energy to.
"I've gotten more selective with who I give my energy to" -- this is a huge piece of it. I think when we've done a lot of inner work, some of the relationships we once held just don't fit anymore... and it can be challenging to start over, in a sense, as the truest version of ourselves. It's so complicated. Thank you for sharing <3
I had a conversation with my partner recently about how it's easy to forget that doctors are humans, and I think it's the same for anyone who does this work professionally such as counselors and therapists. You are so much more than a stranger's words I admire on Instagram. I appreciate your depth. Remembering that we're all human, makes being a human easier for me.♡
Thank you so much, Maria -- I know all of us are moving through these things in some form or another, whether now or previously or to come. It's so helpful to remember we're not alone in our humanness. <3
Lisa, this resonates with me deeply. I have always been able to connect with people pretty instantly, I can make "friends" wherever I go. But the deeper relationships are so much more difficult. Whenever I am finally brave enough to be vulnerable and share more deeply, I instantly pull away and even detach from people. I can easily never speak to this person ever again. But I know I long for and need that deep connection, it is a bit easier now but it is still very much so a challenge for me. I often feel very alone these days, very disconnected from everyone, including myself. I am not entirely sure how to feel more connected, especially when I am dissociated when I am with people. But, it is something I will continue to work on.
As always, thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you for sharing, Allie -- lots of people are figuring it out alongside you. <3
Lisa. Just wow. The way you continue to show up and bring us into your inner world feels both daring and wildly generous. I felt a welcoming and a gentle challenge in your words here... a reminder that I am both always in process and already arrived. Thank you 🧡
Thank you so much for this reflection and these words -- truly means a lot. And thank you for being here -- that last sentence is truly beautiful and one to return to <3
bewildered by the deeply resonant humanness of your words. i so look forward to this newsletter each week (and the comments that say, “me too!”) and carry the oneness with me throughout the coming days. 🫧
Thank you so, so much. <3
Still longing to let love in....and I'm old.
A lifelong practice, indeed.
This one really resonates. Thank you for sharing <3
Thanks for being here <3
Beautifully said Lisa, appreciate you sharing. I can really relate as an emigrant who left behind dear life-long friendships. I’ve struggled in the tight knit communities I’ve lived in to make new friendships, but I’m not I’ve wanted new friends for so many fearful reasons, but when a connection emerges it feels so nurturing. Such a difficult and unexplored topic, thanks for writing about it.
Thank you for your reflection and for being here <3
Thank you for this, Lisa. I find it profoundly relatable
Thank you <3
I’m starting a change.org petition for the 8,000 word newsletter!
Thank you for another offering of nuanced commiseration. Thank you for your vulnerability + to echo back to you, you are not alone. ❤️
Don't tempt me -- I have to narrow my writing so often! Keeping it short is a struggle. And thank you for being here and your presence in this space - it is felt and noticed. <3
Thank you so much for your beautiful words! It definitely made me reflect on how I can be more compassionate towards myself when patterns I thought I had moved past arise again. Sending you so much love🫶🏻✨
So grateful it reached you <3
While my childhood does not mirror yours, so much of what you write feels like a mirror into my own life. "I can’t think of anything that’s been harder for me than letting love in." Absolutely yes. I have CPTSD and massive trust issues. I'm getting divorced from my partner of 18 years, and yet, for the first time, I love myself more than ever. I am more eager than ever to actually maintain friendships, which have always felt like an alien concept to me.
Every week, your newsletter is a ray of light. Every. Week.
I'm so grateful to hear the space you're in and to feel that sense of possibility opening up. It's such an expansive place to be... as scary as it may feel at times. And thank you for your reflection here <3
Your writing encourages me to keep my own substack (latelyonsundays.com) going. To write about the ongoing process. I hesitate so much because I don’t have the pretty packaged lesson tied up with a bow to share publicly. Still too raw, unprocessed to expose and willing send to someone’s inbox. Reading through your posts has given me courage and inspiration and (because humans) a twang of envy at your vulnerability and bravery. Thank you.