Still here, still here, still here
Your words resonate deeply. Especially the part about not trying to figure out what will make depression end. Sometimes is just about remembering that tomorrow might be better somehow and to keep going. Thank you for sharing your story, it makes me feel more understood.
Commitment to consistency--not in a grind culture kind of way but as a way of being present to your life--is a beautiful intention, one that feels resonant and accessible. Thank you for showing up here, in your full humanity, every week. I saved these true, supportive lines to my Notes app:
“how good it is to be alive — in the midst of the hard, in the middle of the tougher season, in the thick of the grief, in the swelter of the unknown — even here”
“orient toward my gut’s knowing when my brain doesn’t feel so reliable, rather than berate my brain for struggling”
‘Depression continues to be a companion — one I’ve learned may be here to stay in some form —a reckoning no mushroom or meditation or mindset can remove in its entirety. It may forever be a cliff I edge toward and step away from, depending on the season I’m in. What has helped even more than ridding myself of it is getting rid of the incessant search for what will fix it, cure it, disappear it’. THIS... ♥️♥️
You say true things beautifully.
Thank you so much for sharing this and being so vulnerable; you are so talented, so tenacious. ❤️
You consistently write in such a way that echoes my own thoughts, my very heart.
Having had similar experiences growing up, from what you've written, I have gone from actively pursuing Deep Brain Stimulation for treatment resistant depression that antidepressants don't quite reach, to learning how to radically accept the depression I have fought with all my life. I am still learning to be "still here".
"What has helped even more than ridding myself of it is getting rid of the incessant search for what will fix it, cure it, disappear it."
I have found so much peace in acceptance — grief as well. I'm sure, like most things, it will be multi-layered...
Thank you for, again, showing me I'm not alone. Thank you for writing. Thank you for showing up. — imperfect as everyone is — Human.
I appreciate you! ❤️
So poignantly and beautifully written. Embracing and loving the entirety of who we are in this human experience is courageous, but I also think that it’s the way to being exquisitely present, even in the dark moments. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable ❤️
Lisa, You bless the world with your being and your words. Thank you. You are cherished. D
This newsletter, like your other newsletters, is a gift. As soon as I started reading, I got goosebumps that stayed with me for the entire read. I’ve been in the space you describe so eloquently several times, most recently a couple of weeks ago. If not for my husband and two children… Thank you for the gift of your vulnerability and courage. This was the post that I needed today. With deep love and gratitude.
Lisa, maybe this is weird to say, but I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you so much for sharing this very tender part of your life.
This February marks 3 years of 2 attempts on my life and I am over a year attempt free. I just recently relapsed with self-harm though... I have been in a really bad wave of depression and the apathy was so intense this time, my regular coping mechanisms (exercise) didn't help, nothing helped. It felt like my body was betraying me; a trigger I was unaware of at the time that was happening in the midst of the apathy that flared my flashbacks up. I really didn't think I was making it out of this wave... but the whole time... I never lost sight of my surfboard, I knew I was close to the edge and I was even ready to jump a few times, but I think there are parts of me that do want to be here, stay here. And thankfully those parts have become just as loud as the parts that want to die, escape, not be here.
i started crying when I read the part where you provide ways that you are learning to stay here... "...It took confronting the truth, learning to stay. It took moving through community college, then undergraduate, then graduate school, learning to stay..." Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. I have been learning to stay this whole time despite the days, the moments that I wish I could just end it all. I hope one day I value my life, I hope one day I can hold and accept the depression and other cPTSD symptoms rather than look for a solution to get rid of, I hope one day I can accept that there are more waves to come and that I will get through those too even though I don't want to, and I hope one day learning to stay here becomes wanting to stay here.
I wish I could convey through words how truly grateful I am for this week's substack... Thank you for sharing. Sending an energetic hug.
Thank you for sharing this. "Learning to stay" resonated deeply for me, in a way that's true to my story. I'm going to take it out with me on a walk through the trees, by the river, to see what there is to see.
So beautiful, Lisa. Thank you for sharing. Your vulnerability is inspiring. ♥️
Your vulnerability is courageous and inspiring. SEEING you is SEEING myself. Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing.
Just last week I caught myself counting the days my mood had been low. On day 4, I was ready to send up the red flag, but it was just my mind panicking, my soul knew I was okay. On day 5, the tide turned.
I wish there were more guarantees for you and I, for all of us.
But the best I can do is put one foot in front of the other, and try to lean into the word’s of my therapist, “it’s literally impossible to go backward”.
Thank you so much for this. As someone else said, I got goosebumps. And I also felt really settled into my body and (dare I say it?) even cozy in a way, as I was held by these words. WOW> that's magic.
Oh my god, this hits me so hard in my stomach it aches, makes my head spin, and is forcing me to go outside, look at the sun, and reconfigure my approach and perspective to life.
Damn, that is all I have to say besides my usual, thank you
Oh boy, "learning to stay" - doesn't that just sum up life? Thank you for always inspiring us to be more vulnerable in our humanity with each other. This year is turning to be just about that. Stretching the comfort zone of not hiding my humanity and allowing others in to witness that. ❤️