I really love the idea of being a pendulum that swings back and forth. I'm in a flashback flare up and starting to feel pretty down and a friend told me to ride the waves... and I responded that I didn't want to ride the waves anymore. I want to be on a lake, but then my friend replied with, "then you won't grow", and you know a part of me is okay with that haha. I know we're supposed to always want to grow, but I feel like I've had to do so much healing and growth in the past 7 years, I'm done with it. Instead, I replied fine, "a very calm river then." Something feels so much better about being a pendulum though, more resonant I guess.
I have now built the capacity for flashbacks to where I can go about my day relatively "normally" but sometimes that disturbs me. It used to take me out, it used to make me feel so depressed and usually resulted in suicidality. I am thankful that doesn't happen anymore, but it feels so odd to be able to just keep working or be with family, hang out with friends like everything is normal and okay; but it's just me swinging back and forth; which makes sense, which makes it seem all okay, and ... well normal haha. Swinging seems more fun than riding waves anyways.
I'm with you on the swinging. But then again I'm not a brave surfer so I guess I don't see the fun in that. I know that bit about growth and yes, I am tired of more growth opportunities. But we keep at it and one day it is a different scene. You are not alone.
"In over-swinging, I forget about the other side entirely," I can so relate! Its super sad when I forget the other side. Thanks for reminding us or encouraging us that swinging is a part of life!
It is true that in writing it is expected for things to be wrapped up and delivered in a big picture way. I appreciate much of this post because you revolted that idea.
Tiny things by Tiny Habits is my loop song at the moment so it was lovely to see them here for you too 😊
"I am constantly making meaning of things, seeking the purpose or reason, asking myself big questions. I have since I was a small child. This quality of mine is beloved in many ways; it makes me who I am. Yet it can also pull me out of my life. It can become a way of not feeling what needs to be felt and instead trying to think, process, and write away from it, or into something entirely different."
I felt this and know this to my core. The shift from cognitive to emotive is a practice that is so hard but so very necessary.
I began writing my next piece very much with these themes, thoughts and feelings so your piece is timely and will be quoted now.
My last couple of pieces are all aligned with this too especially the "Yet New and Unfamiliar is where I am being called, and I am trying to listen."
And "It takes so much grace and trust to go in new directions, to let go of what we’ve known in favor of what’s more true, to explore and try and experiment, to become more of ourselves. It takes even more grace and trust to do this in the midst of the world we live in, the chaos and uncertainty and pain we witness around us daily. But each time I move closer toward myself, I find I can see outside of me more clearly."
I won't quote you back to you anymore but so much here resonates and is true for me too - Thank you for choosing to share all of this. 🫶🏻
I, too, am exploring what I want to write for myself, what I want to write for the world, what I want to wait on writing so that I can simply experience it without analyzing it all quite yet. Thank you for your words.
I appreciate the way you elaborate on writing in your journal as being a practice of connecting to yourself vs writing and immediately publishing for the world. It’s the difference between writing a speech for a large room vs lying closely to someone you love and talking about all the intimate details of life. Thanks for sharing 💓
Thank you for the gift of your words! Here's what resonated with me:
"Give me the patience to not rush to an answer or a solution."
"I want to stay rooted to what’s possible not as a measure of fake positivity, but as a measure of practiced hope. I want to tend to what’s around me and start close in."
Hope is my word for this year, and it's good to know that it's something to practice. Also, I love Haley's Substack! She's also a fav of mine.
I feel seen, heard and expressed through this writing! It totally encapsulates everything that I've been feeling with the exact level of intensity. Thank you!
This is everything I’ve been feeling placed into the most amazing words. Thank you thank you thank you💛🦋
🙌 thank you for always echoing my innermost feelings so that I can hear them more clearly!
“I want to be the fucking wave.”
❤️
Lisa, You captured life in this post - thrilling, mixed up, and awe inspiring. Your on your way. D
"I long wanted to be the buoy in the wave. Now, I want to be the fucking wave. I want it all."
Long live the waves. Long live SOVEREIGNTY. To BE. To FEEL. Thank you my dear fellow human
I really love the idea of being a pendulum that swings back and forth. I'm in a flashback flare up and starting to feel pretty down and a friend told me to ride the waves... and I responded that I didn't want to ride the waves anymore. I want to be on a lake, but then my friend replied with, "then you won't grow", and you know a part of me is okay with that haha. I know we're supposed to always want to grow, but I feel like I've had to do so much healing and growth in the past 7 years, I'm done with it. Instead, I replied fine, "a very calm river then." Something feels so much better about being a pendulum though, more resonant I guess.
I have now built the capacity for flashbacks to where I can go about my day relatively "normally" but sometimes that disturbs me. It used to take me out, it used to make me feel so depressed and usually resulted in suicidality. I am thankful that doesn't happen anymore, but it feels so odd to be able to just keep working or be with family, hang out with friends like everything is normal and okay; but it's just me swinging back and forth; which makes sense, which makes it seem all okay, and ... well normal haha. Swinging seems more fun than riding waves anyways.
I'm with you on the swinging. But then again I'm not a brave surfer so I guess I don't see the fun in that. I know that bit about growth and yes, I am tired of more growth opportunities. But we keep at it and one day it is a different scene. You are not alone.
So beautiful Lisa 💛
Beautiful, as ever, Lisa.
I feel as though you have reached inside my heart and given voice to my deepest feelings. Thank you for the gift of reading this. 💚🙏🏻
"In over-swinging, I forget about the other side entirely," I can so relate! Its super sad when I forget the other side. Thanks for reminding us or encouraging us that swinging is a part of life!
It is true that in writing it is expected for things to be wrapped up and delivered in a big picture way. I appreciate much of this post because you revolted that idea.
Tiny things by Tiny Habits is my loop song at the moment so it was lovely to see them here for you too 😊
"I am constantly making meaning of things, seeking the purpose or reason, asking myself big questions. I have since I was a small child. This quality of mine is beloved in many ways; it makes me who I am. Yet it can also pull me out of my life. It can become a way of not feeling what needs to be felt and instead trying to think, process, and write away from it, or into something entirely different."
I felt this and know this to my core. The shift from cognitive to emotive is a practice that is so hard but so very necessary.
I began writing my next piece very much with these themes, thoughts and feelings so your piece is timely and will be quoted now.
My last couple of pieces are all aligned with this too especially the "Yet New and Unfamiliar is where I am being called, and I am trying to listen."
And "It takes so much grace and trust to go in new directions, to let go of what we’ve known in favor of what’s more true, to explore and try and experiment, to become more of ourselves. It takes even more grace and trust to do this in the midst of the world we live in, the chaos and uncertainty and pain we witness around us daily. But each time I move closer toward myself, I find I can see outside of me more clearly."
I won't quote you back to you anymore but so much here resonates and is true for me too - Thank you for choosing to share all of this. 🫶🏻
I, too, am exploring what I want to write for myself, what I want to write for the world, what I want to wait on writing so that I can simply experience it without analyzing it all quite yet. Thank you for your words.
I appreciate the way you elaborate on writing in your journal as being a practice of connecting to yourself vs writing and immediately publishing for the world. It’s the difference between writing a speech for a large room vs lying closely to someone you love and talking about all the intimate details of life. Thanks for sharing 💓
Thank you for the gift of your words! Here's what resonated with me:
"Give me the patience to not rush to an answer or a solution."
"I want to stay rooted to what’s possible not as a measure of fake positivity, but as a measure of practiced hope. I want to tend to what’s around me and start close in."
Hope is my word for this year, and it's good to know that it's something to practice. Also, I love Haley's Substack! She's also a fav of mine.
I feel seen, heard and expressed through this writing! It totally encapsulates everything that I've been feeling with the exact level of intensity. Thank you!