This is quickly becoming my favourite substack. I also wonder if maintaining a substack is sustainable, if every week I spiral into the deepest parts of my life. But it’s been so profound to confront everything. It’s been a way to shake denial. It’s just hard noticing whether writing, too, becomes just another way to worry. I’m sure there’s a balance. Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. It makes me feel less alone.
Thank you for that, Catrin -- For me, it doesn't feel like spiraling at all; it feels more like dancing with. If it ever feels like spiraling, I'll certainly consider other ways/cadences! And yes to the balance -- this is why I often write lists and explore in shorter snippets, too: as a way of marking without diving totally in when that's what feels nourishing. Thank you for reading. xx
So much richness here again. You've articulated things that I wasn't sure how to articulate for myself around the respite of regular writing. And your list of lightness joys delighted me and inspired me to dig into my own. Thank you for being here.
I, too, am gravitating more to my Substack as a way of nurturing my soul. I could also be working on a book and probably should, but right now I’m finding a way out through here.
I recently read "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek", and Dillard used this phrase "unself-conscious" that is now very much in my brain, and I am wondering (self-consciously?) how to go about cultivating it. Thanks as always for sharing this
shs is a deep thinker....teaching a stone to talk i need to revisit that from time to time its deep good....the tamping down of "self" certainly not original idea but best way ive heard in some guru type podcast is look at the world as connected, like a lake, and try NOT to see your own reflection in
it
theres more but im a bubble gum card intellectual lol
Just received a story from a friend about nurturing his inner child - constantly. Helps me so much when I'm worried about others thinking whatever... to hold that little guy in loving arms and just stay there. Calming for someone often lost, like me.
Your ability to share and describe your experience of being human is a special skill that comes easily to you. I’ve always appreciated your willingness to share what you are feeling--especially the messy middle and unresolved parts of life. And if you liked the Multitasking article, his book Four Thousand Weeks was a lovely antidote to feeling like we have to do it all. It was my fave book last year!
“I’m a worrier, an anticipator, with a let-me-create-every-possible-scenario-in-which-something-could-go-wrong type of brain. If I’m not cognizant and careful, I’ll spend all my time worrying about the next thing, soon drifted entirely from the present”. Same 🙋🏻♀️ My anxiety at times is awful.
Appreciate all that you share. The part about not feeling like you’re all in on something and others seem submerged, resonated so much with me. I have felt that way often for most of my life. Aching to find that one thing I will go all in on. I recently arrived at the thought that I will go in as far as I want to, in as many things as I want to. It’s been working for me. I realized or re-realized that I must go all in on myself and all the things that peak my interest and speak to my soul. Thank you for being you and sharing with us.
It's so great that you say catching yourself in worry mode to pivot works...and is annoying! Haha! Isn't that the way? We're like, damn this actually works. Why didn't I know this 20 years ago? But more why can't I consistently pull it off?
I love that you are sharing your truth and why it probably resonates with so many people. When we pass things through a filter first, there is a space where the connection would be. I am a worrier, now an aspiring warrior of truth sharing! Sooo identify with not feeling as though I belong, spending time trying to fit into groups I thought I should. Now I happily sit in the space inbetween. Thanks for sharing, loved it all. 🙏💫
I love how your writing offers me permission to be who I am, as you do the same for yourself. Thank you. (I have a part that says that doing another book would be more worthy of the writing I do here, which is ephemeral, but then I remember that all EVERYTHING is ephemeral, and if people read my Substack and feel a little bit like I feel reading yours then that is a privilege and a gift.)
This is so beautifully written. I love the part about Worrying. Things never get as bas as we think they will and still sometimes I don't find comfort in that cause I'm like something else could come up and the worst could happen but this was so helpful. Catching it early and filling in the blanks. My worry comes alot from working for myself full time. Sometimes I think the success and jobs are slowing down which means money might be tight soon. It's been 4 years and everyyear I think that, we survive but I still get scared smh.
It's so hard to find safety in uncertainty, isn't it? And at no fault of our own -- the world we live in, the systems at large, the conditioning we've all received makes it so hard to feel like it's safe to land in the moment and let that be enough. An ongoing practice. Maybe the fear isn't a problem, but something to connect to/partner with; that's something I've been exploring lately. Thank you for sharing this beautiful reflection here. x
I'm struck by how natural and welcoming this is, here. I think it's like times when I listened to a friend talk about the deeper inner stuff - realizing there was no right or wrong about it - just the beauty of expression, the honesty and joy in revelation - and that it got to be experienced by another. Precious.
Identifying with your worry expression. Catching it early - yes. I find the damage (stress, anxiety) comes AFTER the initial trigger - once my brain starts filling in all the what-ifs. Gentle pressure back on the reins, supporting myself to wait (gently stroking the horse's neck :-) - that is a gift to the little scared kid in me wanting to run away. It's OK to wait, John. Just wait.
Yeah, about writing something meaningful every day. Ha! I ask that too, and then I take one step into life and realize, "just go deeper, then." I remember some point in the history of science, there was a belief we had nothing more to discover. So obviously not true. Something like infinity left to understand - both "out there" and "in here" IMHO. And... since our culture has been so conscripted - (in all ways) for most of history... there is a bit left to uncover.
The moments of lightness are so helpful. I remind myself that I've lived many decades without any of the big fears getting close to as bad as I'd thought. Now, as one after another moment to moment concern hits me... now and then I'm conscious enough to stop it early and just listen to the raw experience - and keep listening, with no action. Turns out there's usually a yummy treat in there waiting. This is another moment of lightness growing out of the fear.
I struggle with belonging too (seems constant). When I'm at peace and really open... the belonging seems natural, as if I'm free of the separation cage and don't see the bars. Sure would be great to live there!
Please reach out for help and support for your workshop if needed. I think there is willingness in this group, even though that may seem "unprofessional" - we're kinda breaking those rules, and it's about time :-).
Thank you for this, John -- for your thoughtful reflections always. They are so appreciated and felt. Especially this part: "It's OK to wait, John. Just wait." The compassion in this, the patience in this, the trust in this. It's a beautiful practice to allow that waiting, to allow that gentleness amid whatever may be swirling around it.
And thank you for the offering of support; I'm so grateful. I am absolutely undoing the hierarchy of professional/not professional, person with power/everyone else below dynamic often felt and found in spaces; a fellow traveler alongside everyone, in it together. And that feels like such a soft place to land. Looking forward.
Lisa, We are very much alike. Seeing, feeling, living, not joining, not needing to join. - life not needing or wanting the burdens of joining. Thank you for this piece. A suggestion if I may, when you ask yourself what could possibly go wrong also ask what is likely to happen. - works for me. D
Oh my gosh number 4... I was sharing this very thing a few weeks ago with my mentor and I feel like I float around the edges of different communities which feels both safe and also creates such a deep longing in me to be all in and feel that sense of belonging. Thank you for mirroring those words to me! I adore your writing and your words. Xx
"float around the edges" this is the felt sense exactly. The safety it brings and the longing it brings, all at once -- that's the exploration for me, too. Thank you for sharing this lovely reflection <3
This is quickly becoming my favourite substack. I also wonder if maintaining a substack is sustainable, if every week I spiral into the deepest parts of my life. But it’s been so profound to confront everything. It’s been a way to shake denial. It’s just hard noticing whether writing, too, becomes just another way to worry. I’m sure there’s a balance. Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. It makes me feel less alone.
Thank you for that, Catrin -- For me, it doesn't feel like spiraling at all; it feels more like dancing with. If it ever feels like spiraling, I'll certainly consider other ways/cadences! And yes to the balance -- this is why I often write lists and explore in shorter snippets, too: as a way of marking without diving totally in when that's what feels nourishing. Thank you for reading. xx
So much depth there, I think. "The more you look... " :-)
So much richness here again. You've articulated things that I wasn't sure how to articulate for myself around the respite of regular writing. And your list of lightness joys delighted me and inspired me to dig into my own. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for this reflection -- it always feels really good to list out the lightness in some form. Highly recommend <3
I, too, am gravitating more to my Substack as a way of nurturing my soul. I could also be working on a book and probably should, but right now I’m finding a way out through here.
Yes to soul nurturance.
I recently read "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek", and Dillard used this phrase "unself-conscious" that is now very much in my brain, and I am wondering (self-consciously?) how to go about cultivating it. Thanks as always for sharing this
That book blows my mind; she's incredible. Thank you for sharing this reflection here -- it resonates!
shs is a deep thinker....teaching a stone to talk i need to revisit that from time to time its deep good....the tamping down of "self" certainly not original idea but best way ive heard in some guru type podcast is look at the world as connected, like a lake, and try NOT to see your own reflection in
it
theres more but im a bubble gum card intellectual lol
Just received a story from a friend about nurturing his inner child - constantly. Helps me so much when I'm worried about others thinking whatever... to hold that little guy in loving arms and just stay there. Calming for someone often lost, like me.
Your ability to share and describe your experience of being human is a special skill that comes easily to you. I’ve always appreciated your willingness to share what you are feeling--especially the messy middle and unresolved parts of life. And if you liked the Multitasking article, his book Four Thousand Weeks was a lovely antidote to feeling like we have to do it all. It was my fave book last year!
Thank you for this -- and I love Four Thousand Weeks! Have recommended it countless times, such an important read.
“I’m a worrier, an anticipator, with a let-me-create-every-possible-scenario-in-which-something-could-go-wrong type of brain. If I’m not cognizant and careful, I’ll spend all my time worrying about the next thing, soon drifted entirely from the present”. Same 🙋🏻♀️ My anxiety at times is awful.
Not alone <3
Appreciate all that you share. The part about not feeling like you’re all in on something and others seem submerged, resonated so much with me. I have felt that way often for most of my life. Aching to find that one thing I will go all in on. I recently arrived at the thought that I will go in as far as I want to, in as many things as I want to. It’s been working for me. I realized or re-realized that I must go all in on myself and all the things that peak my interest and speak to my soul. Thank you for being you and sharing with us.
"I must go all in on myself" yes yes yes to this. Thank you for sharing.
It's so great that you say catching yourself in worry mode to pivot works...and is annoying! Haha! Isn't that the way? We're like, damn this actually works. Why didn't I know this 20 years ago? But more why can't I consistently pull it off?
The ongoing practice of it! Yes. Finding relief in just letting that be what it is.
I love that you are sharing your truth and why it probably resonates with so many people. When we pass things through a filter first, there is a space where the connection would be. I am a worrier, now an aspiring warrior of truth sharing! Sooo identify with not feeling as though I belong, spending time trying to fit into groups I thought I should. Now I happily sit in the space inbetween. Thanks for sharing, loved it all. 🙏💫
"Now I happily sit in the space in between." yes to this!
I love how your writing offers me permission to be who I am, as you do the same for yourself. Thank you. (I have a part that says that doing another book would be more worthy of the writing I do here, which is ephemeral, but then I remember that all EVERYTHING is ephemeral, and if people read my Substack and feel a little bit like I feel reading yours then that is a privilege and a gift.)
Thank you for reading and for your presence here -- yes to all of this. Honored.
This is so beautifully written. I love the part about Worrying. Things never get as bas as we think they will and still sometimes I don't find comfort in that cause I'm like something else could come up and the worst could happen but this was so helpful. Catching it early and filling in the blanks. My worry comes alot from working for myself full time. Sometimes I think the success and jobs are slowing down which means money might be tight soon. It's been 4 years and everyyear I think that, we survive but I still get scared smh.
It's so hard to find safety in uncertainty, isn't it? And at no fault of our own -- the world we live in, the systems at large, the conditioning we've all received makes it so hard to feel like it's safe to land in the moment and let that be enough. An ongoing practice. Maybe the fear isn't a problem, but something to connect to/partner with; that's something I've been exploring lately. Thank you for sharing this beautiful reflection here. x
Oh wow I love that! Man you’re so gifted in writing even your response felt like a breath of fresh air!
I'm struck by how natural and welcoming this is, here. I think it's like times when I listened to a friend talk about the deeper inner stuff - realizing there was no right or wrong about it - just the beauty of expression, the honesty and joy in revelation - and that it got to be experienced by another. Precious.
Identifying with your worry expression. Catching it early - yes. I find the damage (stress, anxiety) comes AFTER the initial trigger - once my brain starts filling in all the what-ifs. Gentle pressure back on the reins, supporting myself to wait (gently stroking the horse's neck :-) - that is a gift to the little scared kid in me wanting to run away. It's OK to wait, John. Just wait.
Yeah, about writing something meaningful every day. Ha! I ask that too, and then I take one step into life and realize, "just go deeper, then." I remember some point in the history of science, there was a belief we had nothing more to discover. So obviously not true. Something like infinity left to understand - both "out there" and "in here" IMHO. And... since our culture has been so conscripted - (in all ways) for most of history... there is a bit left to uncover.
The moments of lightness are so helpful. I remind myself that I've lived many decades without any of the big fears getting close to as bad as I'd thought. Now, as one after another moment to moment concern hits me... now and then I'm conscious enough to stop it early and just listen to the raw experience - and keep listening, with no action. Turns out there's usually a yummy treat in there waiting. This is another moment of lightness growing out of the fear.
I struggle with belonging too (seems constant). When I'm at peace and really open... the belonging seems natural, as if I'm free of the separation cage and don't see the bars. Sure would be great to live there!
Please reach out for help and support for your workshop if needed. I think there is willingness in this group, even though that may seem "unprofessional" - we're kinda breaking those rules, and it's about time :-).
Thank you for this, John -- for your thoughtful reflections always. They are so appreciated and felt. Especially this part: "It's OK to wait, John. Just wait." The compassion in this, the patience in this, the trust in this. It's a beautiful practice to allow that waiting, to allow that gentleness amid whatever may be swirling around it.
And thank you for the offering of support; I'm so grateful. I am absolutely undoing the hierarchy of professional/not professional, person with power/everyone else below dynamic often felt and found in spaces; a fellow traveler alongside everyone, in it together. And that feels like such a soft place to land. Looking forward.
That “soft place to land” is such a comfort :-)
Lisa, We are very much alike. Seeing, feeling, living, not joining, not needing to join. - life not needing or wanting the burdens of joining. Thank you for this piece. A suggestion if I may, when you ask yourself what could possibly go wrong also ask what is likely to happen. - works for me. D
I love that question -- thank you xx
❤️❤️❤️❤️
xo to you, Emma <3
Oh my gosh number 4... I was sharing this very thing a few weeks ago with my mentor and I feel like I float around the edges of different communities which feels both safe and also creates such a deep longing in me to be all in and feel that sense of belonging. Thank you for mirroring those words to me! I adore your writing and your words. Xx
"float around the edges" this is the felt sense exactly. The safety it brings and the longing it brings, all at once -- that's the exploration for me, too. Thank you for sharing this lovely reflection <3
I love how you articulated so thoroughly and deeply what I’m sure most of us feel but can’t quite say it this way. Thank you for these.
Thank you for reading xx